Feelings from the Grave…

I hate being alone. At times, it is fine but since the past some-time, I have been staying alone all the while. Almost. Like right now; I am all alone in the house and everyone has gone out. I didn’t go because I just didn’t want to. I don’t know why, may be because I am beginning to like this loneliness. There are times when I just cannot handle all this loneliness. The times when I get depressed and it hits me the hardest are the times I want to die. Like right now, at this moment I am so lonely, I feel like dying. But, I also know life is precious and hence I cannot do anything but just wait for it to pass and scream to the heavens all of the words the devilish me-voices that reside within my head whisper in my ears. I, at times, break under all this tremendous mental pressure. I don’t really know what to do now, I still feel just as bad as before, but with the added guilt of letting her down because I can feel that she herself stays all stressed and perhaps even doubts me and my love in a certain way.

I don’t know how to make her feel that love, that care, that affection which I have inside of me and it is all for her. I don’t know what to do. I love you more than anything else in this Universe. But, what do I do when I am the one who needs to be taken care of? I don’t have the energy for this, I feel at times. I am going to die. All these suicidal tendencies that I am having is perhaps just an effect of my anxiety, but I somehow just can’t stop thinking about it. And it bothers me so much that I just don’t understand what to do. I want her to love me forever, I want to feel that love and give all my love to her for I can feel myself getting worse and falling further and further down into a pit and I am literally drowning in anxiety. I feel like giving up and not living anymore, but whenever I think about her, hear her, see her, look at her, I feel at peace. I feel as if I want to live just for her, if for nothing else in this world. But what if all this ends in tragedy? I won’t be able to take it, I know this for sure. All I want to do at this point of time is stop feeling sad and feel loved, and just be happy. But, I just don’t know how to go about it.

I just want her to be forever happy in whatever she does, and wherever she is. It doesn’t matter whether I am alive or dead. Her happiness is all that matters for me. It is all that had mattered to me. Always. I Love You. I always have, I always will…

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Comments

  • arjun  On May 4, 2014 at 9:33 PM

    Sir,
    Why are you feeling soo low, I know how you feel actually I am feeling the same right now not to a suicidal level but same feelings none the less.
    We are bikers and our bikes atleast remain with it ride it hard as much as you can forget these things people are meant to hurt you and everyone will don’t get soo depressed for this, there are more than 70k people who like your work now atleast for them ride and post better pics.

    Like

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