FriendZoned – Why do Nice Guys Always Get Friendzoned

This is one question which many guys have in mind, and perhaps end up asking. How did I get placed in the friend-zone? While I am no relationship expert, but I shall try and put forth my point of view in this entire “friendzone” debate.

You see, this entire concept is very complicated, it is a complicated phenomenon that people insist on simplifying with answers which perhaps make a single, even funny claim such as, “It’s because nice guys aren’t really nice, they are playing nice.” or “It is because girls claim they want nice guys but they are actually lying.” Both of the above claims might be true to certain extent but they do not present the entire story.

A major factor is that “nice” isn’t attractive in-and-of itself. It’s a mistake to conclude an extreme opposite from that too: “Oh, I see! So girls like guys who are assholes.” There are lots of girls in the world, and some (unfortunately) are attracted to guys who mistreat them (especially when there’s no attractive alternative), but that’s not a cosmic truth about all women. “I’m a nice guy. How come I can’t get a girlfriend” is similar to “I own a really nice guitar that I take good care of. How come I’m not playing at some great music concert?” And it would be a mistake to conclude from that, “Oh, I see! These music concerts, may be, only want people with old, broken guitars that they treat like shit!” Owning (or having-access to) a guitar for practicing is the minimum requirement for a concert guitarist. You do want them to own guitars, but you want more than that. You want them to be able to read music and play with skill.

If you were to ask me, I generally would want people I relate to, to be nice and respectful, apart from caring, kind and good in some-way. But it doesn’t mean, if someone has these qualities, I would be attracted to them or be interested in them. It’s just a basic level of humanity which I would expect out of any human being; that is the way I am. It is something which I expect before I could even consider any sort of relationship. And if you want to know the truth, I believe that girls eventually get “bored” of these nice guys.

In my experience, “nice guys” and “friendzone” are mostly a young-man’s problem. I don’t know a single 35+ man who thinks of himself as “a nice guy” or who would describe himself as being “friendzoned”. This is, perhaps, because, by the time people reach the ripe age of 35, most know something about themselves. They no longer describe themselves in simple, cartoon-like terms, such as “I’m tall, dark & handsome,” “I’m goofy,” or “I’m nice.” They have skills, profound interests, careers, and so on. When I meet people at social gatherings or at different social events, they’re introduced to me as “a really good photographer”, “an amazing musician”, etc. No one is “nice” even though they are (almost) all nice.

I want to write a few more words on age, probably from my personal experience as I grew up through school & college. You see, so many people form strong opinions of the opposite sex in high-school and college. I feel most men and women aren’t fully-formed until they’re around 25, but unfortunately, by then, some of them have already become deeply opinionated based on how they were treated in high school. High-school girls & boys, amongst other things, many of them are perhaps a little immature. They don’t have the life experience to understand what makes a good romantic partner. Like all of us, they have to learn that by living and making mistakes. Added to which, they exist in an environment of extreme peer pressure: one in which they’re judged depending on who they date. Some adult women are capable of saying, “I like him, so who gives a shit what anyone else thinks,” but very few high-school students (be it male or female) have that level of confidence.

And, most of the boys these girls get to choose from are not fully formed at all. Most are nervous and totally lacking in confidence, and they deal with this by either being total messes or by cloaking their self-esteem issues with bravado, arrogance, and/ or bullying behavior. Some young girls, because they lack experience, are fooled into thinking that latter type is confident. By the time they reach their mid-to-late 20s, they mostly realize their mistake and start dating different sorts of guys, which works out well, because many guys have matured by then, too.

But it’s unfortunate that so many guys form their lifelong opinion of women based on how they were treated by their “young girl-friends”. By the time they’re grown up, some of these men are so angry and hurt, they hate women altogether. And, of course, women can sense that. They wisely avoid those guys. Which makes them hate women even more. (Women are just as apt to form negative opinions of men based on “young boyfriends,” but that’s not the focus of this article.

If your main feeling, when you think of “friendzone” is one of rage, you’re unlikely to have a girlfriend until you deal with that. The second part of girlfriend is “friend,” and you can’t be friends with people you loath. Now, THAT is the crux of the matter.

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