Some People Are Not Supposed To Be Loved

I have been in a few relationships, but somehow I’ve had this feeling looming inside me that I’m perhaps not supposed to be with anyone. I never really thought about this topic this seriously but ever since I lost my mom 2 years back, all this discussion about love, care, et al has been really bothering me. I’ve eventually also come to realize that there might not be much point to anything ina life if one doesn’t really have love. I’m not at all an easy guy to be with, atleast that’s what the females have told me time and time again, and my friends bring up this topic from time to time, as in how come I’ve never been with one single female all my life up until now or how I’m not “settled” in my life.

But, in the past few weeks as I’ve delved deep into this, I’ve come to experience a lot of indifference towards the entire idea of love & relationship. I now truly believe I’m just not supposed to or going to experience love that I can sustain, and sustenance is important, else what is the use of getting into a relationship and falling apart after a while. At times, I’ve tried to explain this to my close friends, but after hearing what I’ve to say, they feel I’m being down on myself, but as a matter of fact I’ve been speaking my heart out and only the truth. My problem is that speaking my heart out to people whom I thought really understand me has been increasingly becoming an issue with me. Whilst it never really bothered me before, now I find myself desperately wanting to connect with someone and perhaps find some sense in this otherwise non-sense and selfish world.

After my mother, I cannot even imaging losing anyone else in my life, but I’ve, since then, lost a LOT of stuff that I would’ve otherwise never wanted to lose. I generalize all this loss with the term “stuff” because I would not really like to go into the details, and get all the hurt & pain out in the open, because I know nobody really cares. People say they do, but they don’t. All everybody cares for is their own self, their own pain, their own love & care, and their own life, and I am perfectly okay with it 95% of the times. It is just when I look back at my life, I feel a little sad; not regret, but sadness.

Like I’ve said before, I’m scared of losing people in my life and so I am stuck in this vicious cycle of wanting love, and to be in love, never perhaps having the opportunity to find someone who would really reciprocate that true undying love. Now, after all the failed relationships, I believe even if so called “true-love” came knocking at my door, I would be too god-damn scared to even grant entry to it. My destiny is to be lonely for the rest of my life (or whatever is left of it); I have stopped seeing any point in living a life that is wasted when so many people lose their loved ones, when they deserved a life full of happiness and satisfaction.

You know what I would really love to hear right at this point of time? I would give anything to hear somebody telling me that they love me, that “I love you, Bobby.” I am beginning to accept this fact that I’m not meant to be loved; that everyday commitment, share your life with, do things together is simply not in the cards for me anymore. Yes, there are moments I break down and feel so completely sad about it, but slowly I’m coming to terms with this.

It is all beginning to fade out, what a real relationship feels like, what real love, to be loved, to be really cared for selflessly feels like…

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