The Memories Strike Back

It sucks because I know that we are not meant to be together. Of all the things that I’ve learnt in this life, I still don’t know how to fall out of love with you, because I just can’t, no matter how hard I might have tried. Perhaps, even a thousand words can’t do what I want them to do. I know because I have tried. I don’t want to go through yet another heart-break, and I don’t really want to let go these wonderful happy memories. You probably feel that I am doing just fine, by looking at me, but I am anything but fine. Good thing that you cannot read that portion of my mind.

I have heard that love is blind and so unkind, so, I, for a moment delete your thoughts from my mind. And just as I think I am in total control and you are totally out of my system, the whole memory which was just deleted seems to undo itself, and it instantly comes back. You are a very strong human being when it comes to emotions and feelings, I know. But, I on the other hand am a emotional fool. I would never know how much you miss me but I know how much I miss you each moment. I  remember pouring my heart out infront of you, and now I think you must’ve felt that I am some sort of an idiot to have said all that I did. Lately, I have even started talking to your memories more than I actually should. May be I am going crazy, after all. Or may be I am just deeply and madly in love with you. At times, I have even tried to fool myself by saying that perhaps this is not love. I have failed miserably, but ofcourse.

It is when I am sitting barely six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you when you are not around me, that I want to just scream to the whole room that yes, I am in love with you. Yes, I have felt this way on more than one ocassion! You have no idea how many times, in a day, I dial your number and then eventually hang up before the number gets connected. It is when I am really happy or really sad about something in life and I need someone real close to me to talk to, that I realize you are the only one who knows me so very well. Because, like I have said this a thousand times to you, you don’t judge me;  you just let me be…me.

And so my mind just refuses to stop thinking about you. It is so hard to know that you are not here right now and perhaps will never be. It is so hard to know that the phone is lying right next to me but I cannot reach you when I can reach half of the planet. It’s so hard to let these feelings go, and I know it will be hard for me to live without you. I need you more than I need these mere words to comfort me. I so need you by my side right now, and forever…

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