The Night Speaks to Me

As I was driving back home a while back, I could not control myself; this feeling of utter sadness hit me hard, I have no idea how or from where but I could feel a certain heaviness inside that beating heart of mine, so much so that I had to stop by the road-side just to let those emotions flow through me, eventually making my eyes moist. I stood there on the road-side, late night, all alone for a good 20 minutes before I could gather the courage to move again. It was suffocating, it felt as if it was hard to even breathe. I am sure you know that feeling. I got out of the car at the middle of nowhere and just stood there, almost feeling nothing, just looking at the road signs and the signals blinking afar. It was like I had gone completely numb.

I love her and think about her each and every moment but especially tonight as I sit on the chair right now staring at the blank wall. I cannot stop thinking of her, no matter how hard I try to concentrate on other things. There she is, constantly on my mind, no matter what I do. It feels like my soul is burning and I’m screaming from the pain but no one can hear me. Everyone is just walking past me without realizing what I feel inside me, that I feel like I might die tonight. I look with pleading eyes all around; can’t someone stop this unimaginable pain?!

The world seems so distant today, and seems it is unaware that I’m missing the heart from my chest. That it feels like a chunk was violently ripped out and the hole is still new and the wound still fresh with blood oozing out of it. I try and pretend that my world is not shattered, because somehow I think this sort of thinking might help, but I have truly realized one fact, that everyday is a trial. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing. Everyday I need to make a conscious effort to be alive. Each night I have to remind myself to fall asleep, and even then, it has almost been a couple of months that I sleep for not more than 2 hours each night, or shall I say each morning as I can only fall asleep post sunrise. What do I do all night long? I turn sides, I wake up, start working on the laptop. I try going back to sleep again and the same vicious cycle continues till I look up the wall clock to realize it is already 5:30 in the morning. Yes, that is how my nights have been since the past 2 months now, almost. I do not remember the last time I’ve had a proper “goodnight’s sleep” so to speak.

But, I don’t know what has hit me tonight. I feel like I can write the saddest lines, because it just makes me sad to think that I do not have her aroubd. To feel that I might not be loved, I might not ever have the previlege of her love; perhaps never.  I can hear this night, this silence speaking to me tonight and to hear the night whispering into your ears can be such an immense pain, something which these words cannot describe.

I just want this pain to end forever, as I feel tonight these might very well be the last lines I dedicate to her. And I want these emotions to touch her soul, like dew touches the green pasture…

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