Emptiness & Abandonment

I haven’t written in a while, not because I did not have anything to share, but because I felt, sharing it all with the world, putting my emotions “out there” meant being vulnerable.

But, tonight, I feel this strange sense of emptiness, a void, if you will. Although, we all feel “empty” time to time because of reasons known and unknown, but this sense of void and inner emptiness is something which drives people to the extremes. Your ego-wounded self is filled with false beliefs regarding who you are. Your wounded self may see you as inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, not important, selfish, bad, wrong. Your wounded self operates from core shame — that you are intrinsically flawed.

I know it all, but when it comes to being emotionally strong, I know I am breaking down. Bit by bit. And it isn’t a pleasant feeling at all. I’ve never really been someone who would openly discuss this with friends or family, for that matter. But I feel tonight is really a tough night.

It is almost like I feel numb, maybe because of the myriad emotions running through my head; all at the same time. I can now see why people, who perhaps feel like me start substance abuse. Perhaps, it “helps” them in giving a false sense of relief. But, I feel, when you abandon yourself by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings by letting them stay in your head, numbing your feelings through substance and process addictions and making others responsible for your feelings and for loving you, you will feel empty. You are causing your own emptiness by your self-abandonment.

Like I said, emptiness is a very dangerous emotion and I feel it tonight. I totally do…

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