Tag Archives: breakup

Always to Blame, I am the Trigger

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing can ever erase the things you say to another human being, let alone your significant other. You can try, for years, to wipe certain slates clean but take it from me, when it comes to hurtful words which includes words that you must have spat out in the heat of some argument or insults you did not mean at all, you will regret them for the rest of your life. I know it because I have been on both sides of the fence – I’ve said stuff that I did not mean, and I have definitely heard stuff which are etched clearly in the memory, and as much as I’ve tried to wipe everything off, it just comes back to haunt me again & again.

Most of the days I am an ok person, but there are days when I get jealous, I get possessive (especially for the one I love with my heart & soul) and yes, I have said things which I neither meant literally, nor should I have said them in the first place. But, I have also heard and gotten to know how bad a person I am, and maybe it is true, after all. Maybe I am a bad human being; somebody who does not deserve love, compassion, or even a life-partner. I think now I get it. Finally. My first partner decided it was better to cheat on me, than to discuss things with me that were bothering her. My second relationship also did not work out for myriad reasons, and I now have come to believe, no matter how many relationships I have, none will work out.

I think finally I have realized the fact that I am meant to be alone, & lonely. For the one I loved dearly feels strongly that I do not deserve love nor do I deserve anyone who would be faithful to me. But, if there is one piece of advice that I would like to give out to everyone who’s in love & who is in a relationship, it would be this -just think before you speak. Always. Each time. If you are one of those guys (or girls) who is cool or calm all the time no matter what is being said to them, then you have got nothing to worry about when it comes to the absolute number 1 mistake that people generally do in a relationship.

But, if you do have that certain switch inside your mind that is flicked at times, especially when you are overwhelmed, hurt, outmatched or whatever, then, I would say just get help or do something about it. I cannot say it enough; think before you speak out those words. Really THINK before you speak. Breathe. Walk away. But just don’t say things that hurt, alright? Because, you’ll ever be able to undo what you’ve said. Ever. I understand, you believe you are so tough and all that and you think you’ll be just fine, free as a bird, and dating other girls (or guys) and all, but buddy, you have no idea; you’ve no idea how being abandoned by the one you loved the most in your life, feels. I have lost the one I loved so dearly, I wouldn’t want this to happen with anyone of you…Ever.


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Love is a Myth…

I did not fall for you all at once. Nor did I fall for you gradually. Rather, I fell for all the little things. Like the way you laughed mid kiss sometimes, and looked at me like you can’t believe what is happening. Or the way you reached over in your sleep and pulled me closer, like you cannot have enough of me. Or simply the way you looked at me when we laughed; laughing with you was my favorite activity.  But what you did not know is that I could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.

Tonight, what I so badly wanted you to see is that I am the guy who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The guy who cherishes any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near you.

I guess no word I say is good enough now because I could see tonight how much you hate me. I should’ve known…I’m not important enough to warrant a simple, quick text in a day saying you’re missing me or how much you love me. Rather, I guess it is ok to call once in a day in 3-4 days and eventually hanging up without even sorting anything out because you completely believe I am a bad human being. I now know I’m not important enough to stick around and wonder where this is going, because the answer is clearly a resounding “nowhere.” It echoes off the walls built by the silence you have placed between us quite a while ago.

I’m done waiting for a response, convincing myself that somewhere, even in the far back of your mind is a thought of me that will ring through as if someone is really missing the most loved person of their lives. But, I know I am not missed. I am not loved. I am just hated. Utterly despised. Maybe I am a bad human being after all who deserves to be hated by the one he loves the most. You deserve to be happy & so do I. Waiting around for something to never happen only promotes the stagnation of life, progression—it halts the future and what it has in store.

I have believed, for most of my life that the most important kind of love is the kind we most often neglect: self love. I gave that up too in my desperate search for love from you, and I lost the sight of who I am and what makes me happy. So instead of sitting around waiting for a text or a loving phone-call from you that will probably never ever come, I choose myself today.

I choose to wake up and remind myself that I am strong, and worthy of being loved the way I wanted to love you. Someday, I will get that kind of love from another person, someone who’d allow me to love them. Someone who would really accept me. And love me from their heart & soul.

All I can say is, I love you but I love myself enough to just walk away from the disrespect, the distrust and the hatred & bitterness that you have towards me.

Yes, I guess I am the worst human being you have ever known in your life. If that gives you peace & happiness, then, please be happy. God bless. 🙂


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