Tag Archives: death

Miss you mother

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I was browsing the internet looking for something, some words to relieve me of the pain that I feel tonight. I feel so lonely, like I’ve never felt before. I truly believe every word that is being said above in the image. Losing mother is permanent and something that just cannot be expressed in mere words. It is a wound that would never quite heal.

Mom, if you’re looking at me, please bless me. I need your blessings, love and everything that you had for me, for in you I had found the secret of happiness.

I miss you, mother…

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Remembering Mom…

Today, I feel really sad. I don’t really know any other way how to start this blog entry than to just put it bluntly – I miss my mom. It has been 2 years that she passed away but I just cannot stop mourning. Nobody wants their parents to outlive their children, I am sure. The thought of any parent having to bury or burn their child is just so awful & bleak. Yet that doesn’t make it any more esy to lose your mom. My mom passed away two years back in a sudden heart-stroke. Yes, I know it has been 2 long years without her, but the feeling of bereavement is so intense that it’s virtually unbearable.

Watching mom die in my own arms was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever been throigh, though I am grateful for all the times I got to spend with her in the past 30 years. I haven’t been able to write so clearly about my emotions for her in my blog till now. Understandably, I am quite sad, which can also be a big motivation killer. That being said, having my work to concentrate on has been, shall I say, a welcome distraction.

Mom and I were close; although I have a elder brother but mom really and seriously loved me to the core. Because my dad travelled and worked when I was young, I spent most of my time growing up with her. We also shared similar personality traits, I believe including a little bit of sensitivity as well. I completely believe a lot of me is because of my mom. She was the most loving person I have ever known. She is perhaps the best example of “unconditional love” I have ever seen. There were times when she did struggle to make and keep friends but she never really complained about others and had always time for her family. There was this another amazing quality in her; she never pushed me to do things I really did not want to do. As a small kid, I was kind of shy, and a shy kid doesn’t really want to do many things outside by himself. However, there are times I wish she would have pushed me a little harder to do things; maybe I would’ve been a different person altogether, I don’t know.

The day she passed away, I was out working and came home a little late. As I entered the house, she calmly looked at me and asked me to have dinner. I had no idea what was to come. The night did seem to pass by pretty quick and as I was preparing to just work a bit on my laptop, my father called out my name and said there was something wrong with mother. I rushed out of my room, and could see her gasping for air, and she couldn’t really speak. I held her in my arms, while my brother called an ambulance. I took a glass of water and she had one sip before she completely collapsed in my arms. I wasn’t sure at all how to identify death, or I couldn’t believe that she was gone. So, I picked up her hand. It was lifeless, I looked at her face and she looked absolutely lifeless. At that very moment, it stuck me; mom was gone. Forever.

I am, to this day, still coming to terms with what happened. Mom was like that safety blanket growing up as all moms are. Ofcourse, as I grew older, I became more independent and in many ways I started to look after mom like she used to look after me. But, I can sense a change in my after she passed away. I know I am a changed man. She calmed me, when I used to get restless, she loved me without any condition whatsoever and she genuinely thought good about me no matter what the situation was. Since the day she passed away, I am having a hard time even beginning a new phase of life as mom ended her time on this planet. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy, and as I type these lines, my eyes are moist and these tears roll down my cheek. God, I miss her.

I am glad of the fact that she did not have to suffer and was gone in an instant. But, then again, on an personal level, I am sad that she would never be able to see my wife, or her grand-children as all she wanted was for me to get married to a nice girl. This, for me is one of the hardest things to come to term with, that I was not really able to make her happy. Or proud.

Seeing a loved one die infront of your eyes is the most surreal experiences I could ever have. I want to talk to my mom on days, and there are nights I just cannot sleep at all. I want to talk to her and tell her everything about my life that has happened ever since she left me because I would talk to her for anything in life.

You know, to wake up knowing that someone who was always there for you is not there anymore is about as devastating as life gets, besides facing your very own mortality. I cannot keep this a secret anymore, that I have thought about death a lot many times since she left me. I thought about death even last night; but I know she would probably like me to be happy. And I would like to believe she is watching me from above.

Everybody around me believes that I am a bad human being, for I hurt people and say things that I do not always mean. I think my mom’s death has changed me drastically, the entire experience has changed me. All I would like to say at this moment is that one should live life like it was the last day of their life and you may not have as many days as you thought, but that’s not what I really feel. I feel that death is perhaps more closer to me than I have ever felt before. I do not mean to count days, and all that but what I mean is that it is so real. It’s more present now, more solid than ever before.

Till death takes me into her arms, I would try and distract myself with things that I love – photography, a lot of travelling, writing and just be in love with the one woman that I have always loved, no matter she failed to understand and feels that I am the worst person in this entire world.

Be Real. Be You.

Perfection

Last night, late night, I got a phone-call from somebody whom I haven’t heard in years. As she sobbed on the other end of the phone, I couldn’t help but really wonder what had happened to her, why was she just crying and not telling me anything. What had happened so grave that all she could think of was calling me,after almost 16 years of no contact. As she started talking after crying her heart out (I did not try to stop her or console her in between), I could see clearly what had happened. Her parents were getting her married off to someone whom they thought was “perfect” for her, and not to somebody whom she really cared & loved. And since she had been connected to me through Facebook (and other means), and I’ve known her for more than half of my life, and she loved me to bits when we were together back in school, she thought it apt to just call me and speak her heart out, and don’t get judged in the process.

After she hung up the phone-call after speaking to me for a good 35 odd minutes I think, I kept wondering till 5 in the morning. Am I the only one who feels that perfection is fast becoming a disease? It is not only a disease, it is absolute mayhem, I tell you. It’s a grave sickness that I’ve struggled with, it’s a disease which has struck us all from time to time. And I am sure, there are more than a fair share of you who have been hit by “perfection”. I don’t know how exactly to define perfection, but I just know this for sure, there is nothing called “perfect” that exists in this world.

Perhaps, “perfection” is a wife who feels stuck in a marriage to a angry, over-protective, abusive husband but she cannot tell this truth to anybody but herself. “You know”, she says, “my husband called me a whore & a bitch last week but he is a nice guy otherwise.”

Perfection can also be a friend you have who has some sort of an addiction which he likes to call as ‘perfection’ and ‘a mode to relax’. This friend of yours generally likes to believe that nobody else could understand his point of view about how this is not an addiction but a ‘medicine’, a perfect way to relax the mind & soul.

“Perfection” is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I’m speaking this from my personal experience, from what I have seen happening with my own mom.What my mother never knew was that these “other moms” might just be alone at home crying because of this immense pressure to remain perfect in the society.

This friend of mine who called me up last night wanted to be ‘perfect’. It was as if she was overwhelmed; so overwhelmed infact that she wanted to kill herself out of the pressure. She said, she thinks about killing herself daily, but she never could muster up the courage to do it as she was worried what people will think if she did commit suicide. She even spoke to me about how could she make her suicide look like an accident. She said, “If I kill myself, I would never like anybody to know that I ever had problems. You are the only one whom I am confiding it in.” She never really seemed to tell me the exact reasons as to why she doesn’t want to live, or why she doesn’t want to heal because she felt perhaps, healing would mean anything but perfect.

I also feel, at times, perfection is somebody who is looked upto as an idol or an “ideal man”, a “role model” but inside he is screaming his heart out to be seen at the faults that he actually has. Perfection is like a woman having an affair because she is too afraid to confront all the imperfections in her marriage, or leave, as she is worried about how the society would look at her as “imperfect” or a “failure”.

You know what? You must get up, and embrace your weaknesses. Accept the fact that we aren’t perfect; your body isn’t perfect, you are not the only one who feels worthless some-times. You aren’t the only one who is by Info” href=”#56152853″> not making enough money to support your own-self or your family. Or, you are not the only one who feels trapped in a relationship or marriage. I’ve always loved listening to everybody. For some reason, people like to talk to me, maybe because I like listening to them without questioning them. Or maybe because I’ve almost always been honest with them about who I actually am, and eventually they have begun to be their actual selves with me.

This happens with each one of us, and we must learn to embrace it. Fully. At that very moment, when she was crying her heart out, all I wanted to do was put my arms around her and make her comfortable. Tell her that nothing in life is worth dying for. NOTHING. Maybe she’ll read this and understand it all. Maybe she would make choices that would make her happy, eventually. And I will be happy for her. Genuniely happy.

The ‘cure’ for ‘perfection’, if there can be any, is very simple, really. You just need to be yourself. Be Real. Everything else will eventually fall into place…


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Today & Everyday – I miss you, mummy

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Dear Mummy,

I don’t really know why am I writing this letter to you, but it is the only way I can let you know my feelings, and perhaps this is the only way I can say things to you which I always wanted to say to you but could never really say.

 

This hasn’t happened for a long time now. Whenever I have seen you in my dreams, I have always seen you looking at me with a smiling face. But last night, I saw you looking at me and crying incessantly as if you were sad about something. I wanted to ask you why are you sad, I wanted to speak to you but I could not.

Not a single day has passed by since you’ve left that I have not thought about you. Each day I think how nice it would be talk to you again, mummy. There are days when I just pick up my cell-phone, see your number and just dial it just to see your name being dialed on the phone screen. I know & remember how you passed away all of a sudden 2 years back, and since then nothing has ever been the same. Oh, how I’d love to see you again & talk to you, just that one more time.

Mummy, I miss you bad. I love you. You are and shall always be the most beautiful woman I have ever known in my life. I never told you this, but that’s the fact. You always made the good times even better and the bad times not so bad. There are times I feel I can hear you calling my name, and it seems like you never left. Because you shall always be with me.

I can now see so clearly, you are the only woman in my life who loved me so unconditionally, who loved me & adored me for who I really am. You really loved me more than your own self.

But, the fact remains. I miss you every single day of my life. I have been left all alone since the day you went away. I have not been the same since…

Miss you…


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