Tag Archives: depression

Sad…Hopeless…Worthless…

It feels like I am drowning, except everyone around me is breathing. The pain comes in waves & keeps piercing my mind and dragging me down to the depths, almost choking me.

I don’t know or understand if this is how sadness or depression feels like, but this is exactly how I feel. I’m lucky that I have that ability to pen down how I feel, in words. But, this deep sadness, this deep sense of loss has hit me hard. If you meet me, I might not even come out as a person who can be or who is, infact, terribly sad and broken from within. On the contrary, you might feel, I am one of the most happiest persons you’ve ever met!

From what I know, depression isn’t something tangible. You see, when you’re physically hurt, you can see the injury, treat it and hopefully be done with it. But, it isn’t the case with mental hurt. It stays and buries deep down into your psyche, and then slowly hits you, takes you into its stride, grabs you and just doesn’t let you go.

I don’t understand it, nor do I wish to fight it anymore. I’m tired. All I seeked was companionship, love and a little bit of affection. But that shall never be the case with my life, with me. Never. I know now, for sure. I’m absolutely sure…

My fate, whatever be it, I am accepting it for this is how life is perhaps deciding to treat me…

Until we meet again…

Broken…

I feel rejected. I feel numb, it feels like my sense of self and balance is absolutely gone. Life has its share of hardships but rejection and in-turn revenge are extremely hard to cope with. Since the past few days, I have been struggling really bad with anxiety and to some extent panic attacks. I am all alone and dealing with this extremely jolting pain all by myself is getting out of hand, slowly and I can feel it. And the worst part is, as much as I want to get it out, but I cannot even share with anyone. Anyone at all. I am broken. From within. Shattered.

I feel like I am caught up in the stormy brain chemistry of rejection and loss where I feel zero self-worth and I am almost on the verge of depression. I feel I am not needed, and I have no worth or value for anyone in my life. I already am having a lot of anxiety, a feeling of addiction and deprivation, plus an overwhelming drive to finish this life altogether. I want to combat the real emotional pain of rejection and loss, but the struggle that life has become is making it impossible for me to just hold on to life itself.

I feel like a needy fool. This ordeal is just gutting me inside out. I feel like I am going down the drain and I cannot help it. I feel rejected, sad and total loss of self-belief and love. I feel broken…

Always to Blame, I am the Trigger

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing can ever erase the things you say to another human being, let alone your significant other. You can try, for years, to wipe certain slates clean but take it from me, when it comes to hurtful words which includes words that you must have spat out in the heat of some argument or insults you did not mean at all, you will regret them for the rest of your life. I know it because I have been on both sides of the fence – I’ve said stuff that I did not mean, and I have definitely heard stuff which are etched clearly in the memory, and as much as I’ve tried to wipe everything off, it just comes back to haunt me again & again.

Most of the days I am an ok person, but there are days when I get jealous, I get possessive (especially for the one I love with my heart & soul) and yes, I have said things which I neither meant literally, nor should I have said them in the first place. But, I have also heard and gotten to know how bad a person I am, and maybe it is true, after all. Maybe I am a bad human being; somebody who does not deserve love, compassion, or even a life-partner. I think now I get it. Finally. My first partner decided it was better to cheat on me, than to discuss things with me that were bothering her. My second relationship also did not work out for myriad reasons, and I now have come to believe, no matter how many relationships I have, none will work out.

I think finally I have realized the fact that I am meant to be alone, & lonely. For the one I loved dearly feels strongly that I do not deserve love nor do I deserve anyone who would be faithful to me. But, if there is one piece of advice that I would like to give out to everyone who’s in love & who is in a relationship, it would be this -just think before you speak. Always. Each time. If you are one of those guys (or girls) who is cool or calm all the time no matter what is being said to them, then you have got nothing to worry about when it comes to the absolute number 1 mistake that people generally do in a relationship.

But, if you do have that certain switch inside your mind that is flicked at times, especially when you are overwhelmed, hurt, outmatched or whatever, then, I would say just get help or do something about it. I cannot say it enough; think before you speak out those words. Really THINK before you speak. Breathe. Walk away. But just don’t say things that hurt, alright? Because, you’ll ever be able to undo what you’ve said. Ever. I understand, you believe you are so tough and all that and you think you’ll be just fine, free as a bird, and dating other girls (or guys) and all, but buddy, you have no idea; you’ve no idea how being abandoned by the one you loved the most in your life, feels. I have lost the one I loved so dearly, I wouldn’t want this to happen with anyone of you…Ever.


Shop Now

%d bloggers like this: