Tag Archives: feelings

I failed. Again!

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Tonight, I had slept early. Maybe I was tired or just wanted to rest, I am not sure. But, I fell asleep with the phone in my hand as is generally the case. If I am home, the phone is my friend and gives me constant company when I am not working. And then, an email notification suddenly woke me about 15 minutes back.

I failed tonight. Again. For the Nth time in my life, and each time I fail I lose a little bit of me. You see, a big project that I was working on and was absolutely sure I shall get to do, slipped through my hand tonight. Those 5 lines of email jolted me out of my peaceful sleep like an earthquake would! It’s not that such things haven’t happened in the past. Being in the creative industry, I have faced such failures time & again, but each time it happens, it feels like the first time. The result, essentially, is always the same – every time you fall short of achieving your goal, I fall back and go into deep self-critical role. And THEN, it becomes absolutely impossible and difficult to let go of all that negativity – the negative energy that I feel right at this moment about it all as I pen these words down (or rather, type this down).

As demotivated as I am right now, I think I need to boost my morale by building self-acceptance and through this blog post, I want to help everyone who has ever been through failure in their respective lives. I think, when we hold a negative perception of ourselves, Β it is not surprising to feel lost, defeated and like a huge failure in life. Each obstacle, mistake or failure can seem like proof of what we already know, that we won’t succeed and that it is not okay. What we need to do when we feel demotivated or depressed is we need to learn to give priority to ourselves and value ourselves We need to focus on valuing who we are and NOT what you do.

During all these years working as a creative professional, I’ve also come to realize that when we look to our accomplishments for validations of whether we are “worthy” or not, our sense of feeling good about ourselves depends completely on those achievements of life, which, frankly speaking, is a little too harsh.

Yes, I feel terribly upset tonight, yes, I feel dejected & like I’ve failed big time but I also know that with self-acceptance and identifying the issues, I will be fine. I would, at this point in time, love to brag about having truly supportive & compassionate friends but truth be told – they are more like ‘acquaintances’ than friends; I have absolutely NO true friends whom I can fully trust or be open with about my issues. It’s not that I don’t have “friends”. But, those who really care are only a few (less than the number of fingers I have on one hand!). πŸ™‚

At the end of the day, after some thought, self-pity and what not, I have come to realize that persistence is the key to anything in life, and each time I fail, I somehow motivate myself by different means after I am done feeling dejected. This time too, I need to do the same. I need to be persistent. With persistence, no matter what my goals are, I shall increase my chances of achieving them in life…

My Love For You

You know, it is almost like you have been elusive to me in so many ways but at the same time, I also feel as if life sometimes may have fooled me, yet I know you are out there. In some form.  I mean, I am not able to describe it correctly but somehow I search for your face around in the faces that I see or for that matter I almost could hear your voice uttering those cute notings. Till this day, I thought all this could only happen in movies or maybe in dreams but I’ve been proven wrong and comprehensively so. You are literally everywhere…

Why haven’t I been able to say all that I want, show you all that I am, and give you all I have? I’ve been a big failure when it comes to personal relationships. I do not know why is God making me wait or what sort of a test is he seeking from me, I would never know , because this is a factor beyond my control.

So, wherever you might be in life,  know that I love you and you will be the one that lurked passionately in my dreams each night. Night after night. Know that I am always longing for you and your presence. Know that you will always be everything to me. Even though I might not mean anything to you but you must know, I love you. I always will.

I’ve tried to describe your beauty, your smile, your kind heart in words and I’ve found out that my words only begin to scratch the surface of what I feel for you. You are too amazing, too much of a wonder for any mere language to describe.

If I could be frank, I really want to express my feelings for you but I cannot. How could I, when those feelings take my breath away? How can I measure my love for you when that love compares to nothing else, and when that love exceeds all categories and all expectations. No words can express the reality of how I feel for you. Nothing can express my love for you because you are indescribable, and my love for you is something which can NEVER be measured.

You know, simply looking into your gorgeous eyes feels like I’m in a whirlwind of intense emotions. Just one brief smile from you feels like radiance and, shall I say, absolute joy. My heart just beats like it knows no bounds. From simple things, like when I see you “Like” my posts on social networking websites to stuff you utter everyday just brings joy to my heart. You’ve no idea how big a part you are, of my life.

I’ve always been a passionate and inherently positive person but until the day I actually met you, I had never before felt so much energy & to a certain extent, hope. I want you to know, I shall forever be grateful to God for making me meet you. It is such a pleasure to just know you.

You might not even know this but you have given me a heart full of love and days full of positivity and I will give myself to you always. Anytime. All the time.

For, I LOVE YOU…

Today & Everyday – I miss you, mummy

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Dear Mummy,

I don’t really know why am I writing this letter to you, but it is the only way I can let you know my feelings, and perhaps this is the only way I can say things to you which I always wanted to say to you but could never really say.

 

This hasn’t happened for a long time now. Whenever I have seen you in my dreams, I have always seen you looking at me with a smiling face. But last night, I saw you looking at me and crying incessantly as if you were sad about something. I wanted to ask you why are you sad, I wanted to speak to you but I could not.

Not a single day has passed by since you’ve left that I have not thought about you. Each day I think how nice it would be talk to you again, mummy. There are days when I just pick up my cell-phone, see your number and just dial it just to see your name being dialed on the phone screen. I know & remember how you passed away all of a sudden 2 years back, and since then nothing has ever been the same. Oh, how I’d love to see you again & talk to you, just that one more time.

Mummy, I miss you bad. I love you. You are and shall always be the most beautiful woman I have ever known in my life. I never told you this, but that’s the fact. You always made the good times even better and the bad times not so bad. There are times I feel I can hear you calling my name, and it seems like you never left. Because you shall always be with me.

I can now see so clearly, you are the only woman in my life who loved me so unconditionally, who loved me & adored me for who I really am. You really loved me more than your own self.

But, the fact remains. I miss you every single day of my life. I have been left all alone since the day you went away. I have not been the same since…

Miss you…


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