Tag Archives: god

The Night Speaks to Me

As I was driving back home a while back, I could not control myself; this feeling of utter sadness hit me hard, I have no idea how or from where but I could feel a certain heaviness inside that beating heart of mine, so much so that I had to stop by the road-side just to let those emotions flow through me, eventually making my eyes moist. I stood there on the road-side, late night, all alone for a good 20 minutes before I could gather the courage to move again. It was suffocating, it felt as if it was hard to even breathe. I am sure you know that feeling. I got out of the car at the middle of nowhere and just stood there, almost feeling nothing, just looking at the road signs and the signals blinking afar. It was like I had gone completely numb.

I love her and think about her each and every moment but especially tonight as I sit on the chair right now staring at the blank wall. I cannot stop thinking of her, no matter how hard I try to concentrate on other things. There she is, constantly on my mind, no matter what I do. It feels like my soul is burning and I’m screaming from the pain but no one can hear me. Everyone is just walking past me without realizing what I feel inside me, that I feel like I might die tonight. I look with pleading eyes all around; can’t someone stop this unimaginable pain?!

The world seems so distant today, and seems it is unaware that I’m missing the heart from my chest. That it feels like a chunk was violently ripped out and the hole is still new and the wound still fresh with blood oozing out of it. I try and pretend that my world is not shattered, because somehow I think this sort of thinking might help, but I have truly realized one fact, that everyday is a trial. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing. Everyday I need to make a conscious effort to be alive. Each night I have to remind myself to fall asleep, and even then, it has almost been a couple of months that I sleep for not more than 2 hours each night, or shall I say each morning as I can only fall asleep post sunrise. What do I do all night long? I turn sides, I wake up, start working on the laptop. I try going back to sleep again and the same vicious cycle continues till I look up the wall clock to realize it is already 5:30 in the morning. Yes, that is how my nights have been since the past 2 months now, almost. I do not remember the last time I’ve had a proper “goodnight’s sleep” so to speak.

But, I don’t know what has hit me tonight. I feel like I can write the saddest lines, because it just makes me sad to think that I do not have her aroubd. To feel that I might not be loved, I might not ever have the previlege of her love; perhaps never.  I can hear this night, this silence speaking to me tonight and to hear the night whispering into your ears can be such an immense pain, something which these words cannot describe.

I just want this pain to end forever, as I feel tonight these might very well be the last lines I dedicate to her. And I want these emotions to touch her soul, like dew touches the green pasture…

My Love For You

You know, it is almost like you have been elusive to me in so many ways but at the same time, I also feel as if life sometimes may have fooled me, yet I know you are out there. In some form.  I mean, I am not able to describe it correctly but somehow I search for your face around in the faces that I see or for that matter I almost could hear your voice uttering those cute notings. Till this day, I thought all this could only happen in movies or maybe in dreams but I’ve been proven wrong and comprehensively so. You are literally everywhere…

Why haven’t I been able to say all that I want, show you all that I am, and give you all I have? I’ve been a big failure when it comes to personal relationships. I do not know why is God making me wait or what sort of a test is he seeking from me, I would never know , because this is a factor beyond my control.

So, wherever you might be in life,  know that I love you and you will be the one that lurked passionately in my dreams each night. Night after night. Know that I am always longing for you and your presence. Know that you will always be everything to me. Even though I might not mean anything to you but you must know, I love you. I always will.

I’ve tried to describe your beauty, your smile, your kind heart in words and I’ve found out that my words only begin to scratch the surface of what I feel for you. You are too amazing, too much of a wonder for any mere language to describe.

If I could be frank, I really want to express my feelings for you but I cannot. How could I, when those feelings take my breath away? How can I measure my love for you when that love compares to nothing else, and when that love exceeds all categories and all expectations. No words can express the reality of how I feel for you. Nothing can express my love for you because you are indescribable, and my love for you is something which can NEVER be measured.

You know, simply looking into your gorgeous eyes feels like I’m in a whirlwind of intense emotions. Just one brief smile from you feels like radiance and, shall I say, absolute joy. My heart just beats like it knows no bounds. From simple things, like when I see you “Like” my posts on social networking websites to stuff you utter everyday just brings joy to my heart. You’ve no idea how big a part you are, of my life.

I’ve always been a passionate and inherently positive person but until the day I actually met you, I had never before felt so much energy & to a certain extent, hope. I want you to know, I shall forever be grateful to God for making me meet you. It is such a pleasure to just know you.

You might not even know this but you have given me a heart full of love and days full of positivity and I will give myself to you always. Anytime. All the time.

For, I LOVE YOU…

Why Am I Unhappy?

Why do you think it‰’s like that? It‰’s because the majority of people on this planet don‰’t understand the psychology behind happiness. People believe that happiness is acquired from gaining things and that happiness is directly correlated with what they do in their lives. They feel that happiness is just like the other cause and effects in this world, and that a certain thing that they acquire or gain will in effect bring them happiness. They are so wrong. Happiness is something which is not quantifiable. You can be the richest person on earth or the poorest yet your levels of happiness could be the same. The reason why? Happiness is a mentality it isn‰’t something which can be bought or purchased, it‰’s something which must be learnt and cultured; it‰’s all in your head.

This takes us to the question of the article: You are not happy in your life, only because you choose to be unhappy. It isn‰’t because of your failures or because of your losses, you are unhappy because of your perspective. You are unhappy because you are looking at life with the wrong lens. You must grasp the concept that happiness is a mentality and that only you have control over whether you are happy or not. So what now? Well it‰’s time to bring a revolution in your life. You must prioritize and put happiness at the top of your list. You must realize that knowingly or unknowingly the thing that drives everybody in life is the pursuit for true happiness. This is now your moment to take control of your life. Change your perception and look at life with a big perspective. Realize what makes you happy and pursue it.

Understand the phycology of happiness, understand your psychology and before you know it you will be happy again.

Connaught on an Monsoon Evening

It is not often that it rains so much in Delhi, the capital of this beautiful country, India.

But this year’s monsoon thus far has been a majestic one with non-stop rains for the past 48 hours almost and boy, I’m not complaining. I’ve been feeling happy, and content within and trust me when I say, the weather has got a huge role to play. You see, most people love sunshine, summers, etc. Not that I loathe them myself but there is something really magical, something majestic about the monsoons which just takes my breath away in an instant.

And then there is photography. I love how the rains provide us with some amazing chance to photograph everything around us. You don’t need a hefty DSLR to always get the shot. A mere cell-phone these days is capable of creating some amazing pictures.

I hope this spell continues for a few more days, for India is predominantly a country where summer rules the roost, so to speak. So, monsoons, you’re more than welcome to stay as long as you like, love. 🙂

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Connaught Place on an monsoon evening- by Bobby Roy

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New Delhi monsoon - by Bobby Roy

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Hauz Khas on an monsoon evening - by Bobby Roy

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Droplets - by Bobby Roy

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Monsoon reflections - by Bobby Roy

God’s Existence – the Belief

Wouldn’t you, for once, love for someone to simply show you the evidence for God’s existence? No arm-twisting. No statements of, “You just have to believe.”

But first consider this. When it comes to the possibility of God’s existence, they say there are people who have seen sufficient evidence, but they have suppressed the truth about God. On the other hand, for those who want to know God if he is there, he says, “You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you.” Before you look at the facts surrounding God’s existence, ask yourself, If God does exist, would I want to know him?

If you are wondering why am I talking in such a philosophical manner today, it is only because earlier this evening I accompanied a friend of mine to ISCKON Temple, a really big and perhaps one of its kind temple dedicated to Lord Krishna. And as I entered the premises, I was overwhelmed to see the number of people who were there, everywhere – in long que, on the lawns just relaxing after paying their respects, priests all over and devotees seeking the blessings of lord Krishna.

It was just heart-warming and overwhelming for me to see the amount of devotion that these people have. It is very humid and the weather hasn’t been kind since the past few weeks, but that does not deter people from gathering in huge number everyday to pray.

For someone who doesn’t quite believe in God, I was awe-struck, and couldn’t believe the sheer number of devotees inside the temple premises in one single time, with a long que waiting for their chance to get inside the temple and pay their respects to lord Krishna.

As I snapped a few photographs with my mobile phone, I just kept wondering all this time – does He really exist? Is he really listening to the millions of people who come here to pray each year, and if He really is blessing each one of us. I would never know…

Sharing a few pictures here, of the ISCKON Temple, New Delhi.

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ISCKON Temple, New Delhi

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ISCKON temple, New Delhi

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ISCKON temple, New Delhi

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ISCKON temple, New Delhi

Remembering Mom…

Today, I feel really sad. I don’t really know any other way how to start this blog entry than to just put it bluntly – I miss my mom. It has been 2 years that she passed away but I just cannot stop mourning. Nobody wants their parents to outlive their children, I am sure. The thought of any parent having to bury or burn their child is just so awful & bleak. Yet that doesn’t make it any more esy to lose your mom. My mom passed away two years back in a sudden heart-stroke. Yes, I know it has been 2 long years without her, but the feeling of bereavement is so intense that it’s virtually unbearable.

Watching mom die in my own arms was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever been throigh, though I am grateful for all the times I got to spend with her in the past 30 years. I haven’t been able to write so clearly about my emotions for her in my blog till now. Understandably, I am quite sad, which can also be a big motivation killer. That being said, having my work to concentrate on has been, shall I say, a welcome distraction.

Mom and I were close; although I have a elder brother but mom really and seriously loved me to the core. Because my dad travelled and worked when I was young, I spent most of my time growing up with her. We also shared similar personality traits, I believe including a little bit of sensitivity as well. I completely believe a lot of me is because of my mom. She was the most loving person I have ever known. She is perhaps the best example of “unconditional love” I have ever seen. There were times when she did struggle to make and keep friends but she never really complained about others and had always time for her family. There was this another amazing quality in her; she never pushed me to do things I really did not want to do. As a small kid, I was kind of shy, and a shy kid doesn’t really want to do many things outside by himself. However, there are times I wish she would have pushed me a little harder to do things; maybe I would’ve been a different person altogether, I don’t know.

The day she passed away, I was out working and came home a little late. As I entered the house, she calmly looked at me and asked me to have dinner. I had no idea what was to come. The night did seem to pass by pretty quick and as I was preparing to just work a bit on my laptop, my father called out my name and said there was something wrong with mother. I rushed out of my room, and could see her gasping for air, and she couldn’t really speak. I held her in my arms, while my brother called an ambulance. I took a glass of water and she had one sip before she completely collapsed in my arms. I wasn’t sure at all how to identify death, or I couldn’t believe that she was gone. So, I picked up her hand. It was lifeless, I looked at her face and she looked absolutely lifeless. At that very moment, it stuck me; mom was gone. Forever.

I am, to this day, still coming to terms with what happened. Mom was like that safety blanket growing up as all moms are. Ofcourse, as I grew older, I became more independent and in many ways I started to look after mom like she used to look after me. But, I can sense a change in my after she passed away. I know I am a changed man. She calmed me, when I used to get restless, she loved me without any condition whatsoever and she genuinely thought good about me no matter what the situation was. Since the day she passed away, I am having a hard time even beginning a new phase of life as mom ended her time on this planet. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy, and as I type these lines, my eyes are moist and these tears roll down my cheek. God, I miss her.

I am glad of the fact that she did not have to suffer and was gone in an instant. But, then again, on an personal level, I am sad that she would never be able to see my wife, or her grand-children as all she wanted was for me to get married to a nice girl. This, for me is one of the hardest things to come to term with, that I was not really able to make her happy. Or proud.

Seeing a loved one die infront of your eyes is the most surreal experiences I could ever have. I want to talk to my mom on days, and there are nights I just cannot sleep at all. I want to talk to her and tell her everything about my life that has happened ever since she left me because I would talk to her for anything in life.

You know, to wake up knowing that someone who was always there for you is not there anymore is about as devastating as life gets, besides facing your very own mortality. I cannot keep this a secret anymore, that I have thought about death a lot many times since she left me. I thought about death even last night; but I know she would probably like me to be happy. And I would like to believe she is watching me from above.

Everybody around me believes that I am a bad human being, for I hurt people and say things that I do not always mean. I think my mom’s death has changed me drastically, the entire experience has changed me. All I would like to say at this moment is that one should live life like it was the last day of their life and you may not have as many days as you thought, but that’s not what I really feel. I feel that death is perhaps more closer to me than I have ever felt before. I do not mean to count days, and all that but what I mean is that it is so real. It’s more present now, more solid than ever before.

Till death takes me into her arms, I would try and distract myself with things that I love – photography, a lot of travelling, writing and just be in love with the one woman that I have always loved, no matter she failed to understand and feels that I am the worst person in this entire world.

Love is a Myth…

I did not fall for you all at once. Nor did I fall for you gradually. Rather, I fell for all the little things. Like the way you laughed mid kiss sometimes, and looked at me like you can’t believe what is happening. Or the way you reached over in your sleep and pulled me closer, like you cannot have enough of me. Or simply the way you looked at me when we laughed; laughing with you was my favorite activity.  But what you did not know is that I could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.

Tonight, what I so badly wanted you to see is that I am the guy who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The guy who cherishes any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near you.

I guess no word I say is good enough now because I could see tonight how much you hate me. I should’ve known…I’m not important enough to warrant a simple, quick text in a day saying you’re missing me or how much you love me. Rather, I guess it is ok to call once in a day in 3-4 days and eventually hanging up without even sorting anything out because you completely believe I am a bad human being. I now know I’m not important enough to stick around and wonder where this is going, because the answer is clearly a resounding “nowhere.” It echoes off the walls built by the silence you have placed between us quite a while ago.

I’m done waiting for a response, convincing myself that somewhere, even in the far back of your mind is a thought of me that will ring through as if someone is really missing the most loved person of their lives. But, I know I am not missed. I am not loved. I am just hated. Utterly despised. Maybe I am a bad human being after all who deserves to be hated by the one he loves the most. You deserve to be happy & so do I. Waiting around for something to never happen only promotes the stagnation of life, progression—it halts the future and what it has in store.

I have believed, for most of my life that the most important kind of love is the kind we most often neglect: self love. I gave that up too in my desperate search for love from you, and I lost the sight of who I am and what makes me happy. So instead of sitting around waiting for a text or a loving phone-call from you that will probably never ever come, I choose myself today.

I choose to wake up and remind myself that I am strong, and worthy of being loved the way I wanted to love you. Someday, I will get that kind of love from another person, someone who’d allow me to love them. Someone who would really accept me. And love me from their heart & soul.

All I can say is, I love you but I love myself enough to just walk away from the disrespect, the distrust and the hatred & bitterness that you have towards me.

Yes, I guess I am the worst human being you have ever known in your life. If that gives you peace & happiness, then, please be happy. God bless. 🙂


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Be Real. Be You.

Perfection

Last night, late night, I got a phone-call from somebody whom I haven’t heard in years. As she sobbed on the other end of the phone, I couldn’t help but really wonder what had happened to her, why was she just crying and not telling me anything. What had happened so grave that all she could think of was calling me,after almost 16 years of no contact. As she started talking after crying her heart out (I did not try to stop her or console her in between), I could see clearly what had happened. Her parents were getting her married off to someone whom they thought was “perfect” for her, and not to somebody whom she really cared & loved. And since she had been connected to me through Facebook (and other means), and I’ve known her for more than half of my life, and she loved me to bits when we were together back in school, she thought it apt to just call me and speak her heart out, and don’t get judged in the process.

After she hung up the phone-call after speaking to me for a good 35 odd minutes I think, I kept wondering till 5 in the morning. Am I the only one who feels that perfection is fast becoming a disease? It is not only a disease, it is absolute mayhem, I tell you. It’s a grave sickness that I’ve struggled with, it’s a disease which has struck us all from time to time. And I am sure, there are more than a fair share of you who have been hit by “perfection”. I don’t know how exactly to define perfection, but I just know this for sure, there is nothing called “perfect” that exists in this world.

Perhaps, “perfection” is a wife who feels stuck in a marriage to a angry, over-protective, abusive husband but she cannot tell this truth to anybody but herself. “You know”, she says, “my husband called me a whore & a bitch last week but he is a nice guy otherwise.”

Perfection can also be a friend you have who has some sort of an addiction which he likes to call as ‘perfection’ and ‘a mode to relax’. This friend of yours generally likes to believe that nobody else could understand his point of view about how this is not an addiction but a ‘medicine’, a perfect way to relax the mind & soul.

“Perfection” is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I’m speaking this from my personal experience, from what I have seen happening with my own mom.What my mother never knew was that these “other moms” might just be alone at home crying because of this immense pressure to remain perfect in the society.

This friend of mine who called me up last night wanted to be ‘perfect’. It was as if she was overwhelmed; so overwhelmed infact that she wanted to kill herself out of the pressure. She said, she thinks about killing herself daily, but she never could muster up the courage to do it as she was worried what people will think if she did commit suicide. She even spoke to me about how could she make her suicide look like an accident. She said, “If I kill myself, I would never like anybody to know that I ever had problems. You are the only one whom I am confiding it in.” She never really seemed to tell me the exact reasons as to why she doesn’t want to live, or why she doesn’t want to heal because she felt perhaps, healing would mean anything but perfect.

I also feel, at times, perfection is somebody who is looked upto as an idol or an “ideal man”, a “role model” but inside he is screaming his heart out to be seen at the faults that he actually has. Perfection is like a woman having an affair because she is too afraid to confront all the imperfections in her marriage, or leave, as she is worried about how the society would look at her as “imperfect” or a “failure”.

You know what? You must get up, and embrace your weaknesses. Accept the fact that we aren’t perfect; your body isn’t perfect, you are not the only one who feels worthless some-times. You aren’t the only one who is by Info” href=”#56152853″> not making enough money to support your own-self or your family. Or, you are not the only one who feels trapped in a relationship or marriage. I’ve always loved listening to everybody. For some reason, people like to talk to me, maybe because I like listening to them without questioning them. Or maybe because I’ve almost always been honest with them about who I actually am, and eventually they have begun to be their actual selves with me.

This happens with each one of us, and we must learn to embrace it. Fully. At that very moment, when she was crying her heart out, all I wanted to do was put my arms around her and make her comfortable. Tell her that nothing in life is worth dying for. NOTHING. Maybe she’ll read this and understand it all. Maybe she would make choices that would make her happy, eventually. And I will be happy for her. Genuniely happy.

The ‘cure’ for ‘perfection’, if there can be any, is very simple, really. You just need to be yourself. Be Real. Everything else will eventually fall into place…


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The Last Farewell

It frustrates me that this is the only way I can convey my thoughts to you- not knowing if you will ever see this, but I had to give it one last shot. Chances are, if you are reading this, you understand the fact that I love writing my feelings down. 

I have the slightest bit of lingering hope that something will lead you to this site, your eyes to these words, and your mind back to what we used to be. I just want you to think back for a second to the way you felt that night I first kissed you. Remember how we lay together without really talking much? I remember thinking life could not possibly become any better for me than it was in that very moment.  I remember clearly how beautiful you looked and how those eyes had the most beautiful sparkle. I remember the way your hand felt in mine and how it lightly trembled because you were nervous.  It didn’t last but for a few minutes, but I want you to know I would go through the pain of you breaking my heart all over again just feel what I felt in those few minutes.

Although it seemed, at times, as if we were rock solid and nothing could divide us, the truth is, we were fragile. Every “I love you”, “I’m so happy with you”, “I’m in love with you” seemed to be another brick to the wall between us and the world. Little did I know, this solid wall would be broken. It’s okay, though.   We had our time, our moment in time where we shined, and I would not take anything in the world for it. For whatever reason, you saw it best for me not to be a part of your future, or perhaps it is me who feels unloved and so bloody insecure. I couldn’t have given you the world, my love, but, I swear I would have made you feel like the only person in it.  Our time came to an end long before my love did, but I want you to know that I am eternally grateful to you for giving me the best time of my life.

So, I guess this is my last goodbye. I will never forget the way you made my heart feel for the short time we loved each other. I lived – while you loved me. I have to do what’s best for me now. I have to focus on making the best out of what life has given me. 

I have to let you go.  Wow! That was the hardest line to type! Goodbye, beautiful.  Don’t forget about me.  If God decided to take me from this world, please know in your heart that you were loved with everything in my being.  I wish you all the happiness life can offer. We could not say goodbye to each other, but I am very bad at farewells. So, take this as my final goodbye…

I love you. Always.

– Me


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Today & Everyday – I miss you, mummy

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Dear Mummy,

I don’t really know why am I writing this letter to you, but it is the only way I can let you know my feelings, and perhaps this is the only way I can say things to you which I always wanted to say to you but could never really say.

 

This hasn’t happened for a long time now. Whenever I have seen you in my dreams, I have always seen you looking at me with a smiling face. But last night, I saw you looking at me and crying incessantly as if you were sad about something. I wanted to ask you why are you sad, I wanted to speak to you but I could not.

Not a single day has passed by since you’ve left that I have not thought about you. Each day I think how nice it would be talk to you again, mummy. There are days when I just pick up my cell-phone, see your number and just dial it just to see your name being dialed on the phone screen. I know & remember how you passed away all of a sudden 2 years back, and since then nothing has ever been the same. Oh, how I’d love to see you again & talk to you, just that one more time.

Mummy, I miss you bad. I love you. You are and shall always be the most beautiful woman I have ever known in my life. I never told you this, but that’s the fact. You always made the good times even better and the bad times not so bad. There are times I feel I can hear you calling my name, and it seems like you never left. Because you shall always be with me.

I can now see so clearly, you are the only woman in my life who loved me so unconditionally, who loved me & adored me for who I really am. You really loved me more than your own self.

But, the fact remains. I miss you every single day of my life. I have been left all alone since the day you went away. I have not been the same since…

Miss you…


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