Tag Archives: i love you

Sad…Hopeless…Worthless…

It feels like I am drowning, except everyone around me is breathing. The pain comes in waves & keeps piercing my mind and dragging me down to the depths, almost choking me.

I don’t know or understand if this is how sadness or depression feels like, but this is exactly how I feel. I’m lucky that I have that ability to pen down how I feel, in words. But, this deep sadness, this deep sense of loss has hit me hard. If you meet me, I might not even come out as a person who can be or who is, infact, terribly sad and broken from within. On the contrary, you might feel, I am one of the most happiest persons you’ve ever met!

From what I know, depression isn’t something tangible. You see, when you’re physically hurt, you can see the injury, treat it and hopefully be done with it. But, it isn’t the case with mental hurt. It stays and buries deep down into your psyche, and then slowly hits you, takes you into its stride, grabs you and just doesn’t let you go.

I don’t understand it, nor do I wish to fight it anymore. I’m tired. All I seeked was companionship, love and a little bit of affection. But that shall never be the case with my life, with me. Never. I know now, for sure. I’m absolutely sure…

My fate, whatever be it, I am accepting it for this is how life is perhaps deciding to treat me…

Until we meet again…

Emptiness & Abandonment

I haven’t written in a while, not because I did not have anything to share, but because I felt, sharing it all with the world, putting my emotions “out there” meant being vulnerable.

But, tonight, I feel this strange sense of emptiness, a void, if you will. Although, we all feel “empty” time to time because of reasons known and unknown, but this sense of void and inner emptiness is something which drives people to the extremes. Your ego-wounded self is filled with false beliefs regarding who you are. Your wounded self may see you as inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, not important, selfish, bad, wrong. Your wounded self operates from core shame — that you are intrinsically flawed.

I know it all, but when it comes to being emotionally strong, I know I am breaking down. Bit by bit. And it isn’t a pleasant feeling at all. I’ve never really been someone who would openly discuss this with friends or family, for that matter. But I feel tonight is really a tough night.

It is almost like I feel numb, maybe because of the myriad emotions running through my head; all at the same time. I can now see why people, who perhaps feel like me start substance abuse. Perhaps, it “helps” them in giving a false sense of relief. But, I feel, when you abandon yourself by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings by letting them stay in your head, numbing your feelings through substance and process addictions and making others responsible for your feelings and for loving you, you will feel empty. You are causing your own emptiness by your self-abandonment.

Like I said, emptiness is a very dangerous emotion and I feel it tonight. I totally do…

Asking For Love…

I should have held you tighter in my arms during your worst days to keep your pieces together. I should have held your hands longer to keep them warm in this rather cold world. I should have caught up with you, tried to walk side by side with you, just to make you feel that you will always have someone to walk this world with.

I should have tried harder to learn the art of finding the right distance, to make sure that I will not be too close to suffocate you and not too far to make you feel like you are alone because, my love, you will always have me.

I should have stared at your face a little longer that night when all we did was be happy, when all we did was be us. I should have ingrained every detail of everything you are into my mind and heart.

My love, with all the goodness that remains in my heart, I hope you find your way back to yourself again…💕

Brewing Romance…

It’s a hot summers Wednesday evening. She is sitting in this beautiful little coffee shop. It’s probably her alone time after office or something, I couldn’t tell, really.

She hears him before she sees him. The door opens. The tiny bell hung above it rings, signaling his presence. She looks up from her Cappuccino and laptop at the soft noise and the burst of air coming through. She stops her work, almost spilling her hot coffee all over her in the process.
He takes off his shoulder bag and looks around. His dark-rimmed glasses make him seem just a bit more sophisticated than he perhaps really is. He has taken on the style of the big metropolitian city after all.

He walks up to the barista and orders his coffee of choice. She couldn’t hear him well enough to really decipher what he likes to drink. His eyes scan around the seemingly empty coffee shop, feeling as if someone is watching him. His gaze falls upon her, observing him from across the room. His eyes look at her for a second or two and then move on.

His name is suddenly called by the barista and their staring contest finally breaks…

I Love You And I Mean It…

“I Love You…”

When I say, “I love you”, it is like that silent poetry which throbs inside my heart and this feeling just cannot be uttered in 3 short words or 30,000 for that matter. Whenever I try to describe the way I feel for you, every word just seems trite and hollow. As a matter of fact, there have been times when I’ve felt the whole English language is just plain insufficient to describe this feeling inside of me.

Tonight, this thought crossed my mind; a thought of writing it all in an uncut version of sorts, maybe this way when I pour my heart out, you’d really understand the amount of love I have in me, for you. Maybe when you’ll ultimately read these lines, then you’ll understand where I am coming from. I am coming from a place where pain and happiness run together, where lovers die in each other’s arms and are then born again…to be with each other. I just want you to actually feel all of this, and more.

I love you. And although on the face of it, these words seem like something that every lover has told to their loved ones but what it really means is I want you. From the very first day I saw you, to this day, I have always wanted you like I’ve never wanted anyone, ever. When I say, “I love you”, I mean you’re really beautiful. You’re terrific, gorgeous in your heels and in all your glittering finery and even more so, in whatever way I see you. You’re beautiful even when you’re not trying at all, and you’re oh so attractive when you just let it all go and just be carelessly, naturally you. Looking at you each time just makes me go absolutely speechless. It is like a sunset reflected in still water, or a starry night up there in the Himalayas, so clear that you can actually see the Milky way spread across the night-sky.

I literally love everything about you – the way you walk, the way you talk, the way you are, your body, your style, that elegance. I absolutely love each and every little detail about you. Even when you’re not saying anything, just the company is what speaks. And it feels so peaceful, so worth it. When you walk, I feel like there is a particular rhythm to it, and an elegance. It is like you embody the very definition of “pure woman”, right from the beautiful curls of your hair to your ankles and toes.

And then, when I say, “I love you”, I mean, all of you, just the very way you are. I love your silliness or your playfulness, how easily you can laugh and how comfortable I feel around you. I love your honesty, I love how you really talk. Your fears. Your words. Your voice. Your smile. Your eyes & those beautiful lips. By “I love you”, what I really mean is that I trust you. And I respect you. I admire you. And I absolutely adore you.

I’ve been hurt enough in my life, and you are not inexperienced yourself when it comes to heartbreaks. So, when I say, “I love you”, I mean I want to be the one you turn to when you’re hurting. I want to be the one who listens, because, I absolutely love listening to you. Just looking at you speak can make my day so worth it. I want to hold you in my arms and take care of you. I want you to know that in this constantly changing world, there is someone whom you can really believe in, someone who will be your pillar of trust.

I can go on writing so much more, but all I want you to know is that I have a place here inside my heart for you. Yes, I LOVE YOU…

Some People Are Not Supposed To Be Loved

I have been in a few relationships, but somehow I’ve had this feeling looming inside me that I’m perhaps not supposed to be with anyone. I never really thought about this topic this seriously but ever since I lost my mom 2 years back, all this discussion about love, care, et al has been really bothering me. I’ve eventually also come to realize that there might not be much point to anything ina life if one doesn’t really have love. I’m not at all an easy guy to be with, atleast that’s what the females have told me time and time again, and my friends bring up this topic from time to time, as in how come I’ve never been with one single female all my life up until now or how I’m not “settled” in my life.

But, in the past few weeks as I’ve delved deep into this, I’ve come to experience a lot of indifference towards the entire idea of love & relationship. I now truly believe I’m just not supposed to or going to experience love that I can sustain, and sustenance is important, else what is the use of getting into a relationship and falling apart after a while. At times, I’ve tried to explain this to my close friends, but after hearing what I’ve to say, they feel I’m being down on myself, but as a matter of fact I’ve been speaking my heart out and only the truth. My problem is that speaking my heart out to people whom I thought really understand me has been increasingly becoming an issue with me. Whilst it never really bothered me before, now I find myself desperately wanting to connect with someone and perhaps find some sense in this otherwise non-sense and selfish world.

After my mother, I cannot even imaging losing anyone else in my life, but I’ve, since then, lost a LOT of stuff that I would’ve otherwise never wanted to lose. I generalize all this loss with the term “stuff” because I would not really like to go into the details, and get all the hurt & pain out in the open, because I know nobody really cares. People say they do, but they don’t. All everybody cares for is their own self, their own pain, their own love & care, and their own life, and I am perfectly okay with it 95% of the times. It is just when I look back at my life, I feel a little sad; not regret, but sadness.

Like I’ve said before, I’m scared of losing people in my life and so I am stuck in this vicious cycle of wanting love, and to be in love, never perhaps having the opportunity to find someone who would really reciprocate that true undying love. Now, after all the failed relationships, I believe even if so called “true-love” came knocking at my door, I would be too god-damn scared to even grant entry to it. My destiny is to be lonely for the rest of my life (or whatever is left of it); I have stopped seeing any point in living a life that is wasted when so many people lose their loved ones, when they deserved a life full of happiness and satisfaction.

You know what I would really love to hear right at this point of time? I would give anything to hear somebody telling me that they love me, that “I love you, Bobby.” I am beginning to accept this fact that I’m not meant to be loved; that everyday commitment, share your life with, do things together is simply not in the cards for me anymore. Yes, there are moments I break down and feel so completely sad about it, but slowly I’m coming to terms with this.

It is all beginning to fade out, what a real relationship feels like, what real love, to be loved, to be really cared for selflessly feels like…

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