Tag Archives: life stories

Can Depressed People Love

As someone who have had deep depression, let me say that with a resounding “YES”, we can and do love. Love is as important to us as to anyone else. At times when I have been suicidal, it has kept me from committing the act of killing myself. I loved either my family or someone very specific too much to put them through the inevitable horror of finding my dead, lifeless body and the impossible “Why?” that follows.

Having seen the aftermath of suicides in families, I know I could not hurt my loved ones like that. That does not mean I was somehow better than people who do kill themselves. It’s just that fortunately I have seen and felt the circumstances where people are abnormally sensitive to depression, as such I have yet to have an episode or bout of depression so severe that it robs me of my capacity to logically think out my actions and consider alternatives. In other circumstances I may have killed myself, and the possibility that I could one day do it, is never off the table.

One thing to remember about a person with depression is that they are someone with a disease. Think of it like diabetes, but for the brain. Some people do not know they have it. Unless a depressed person has some other problem inhibiting the capacity to form deep connections, they are capable of, and do have relationships.

However, it’s important to remember, a depressed brain is not a logical one, and it is also inherently self-centered. I hate that term because it has a moral judgement tied to it, but it is true. That’s how depression affects the brain. It makes it much, much harder to feel for the sadness of others. In my experience, during a deep bout of sadness, you view other people as more capable than you of feeling joy, and so if they are sad it’s a passing state, where as yours is perpetual because you reach an emotionally “grey” state. It’s very hard to explain. You don’t become sad. It’s almost like emotional television static going on all the time. Sadness can be overcome, but bad depression is like an emotional void. Empty but negative.

I’m giving you this as a frame of reference, since it’s what I as a depressed person know. But everyone has different experiences. It’s very, very hard for someone in a severe suicidal bout to be supportive of loved ones, or receptive to love.

Depressed people do love, and we need love to survive. It can’t always keep us from our darkest places, and if we do make sad decisions like suicide, it genuinely has nothing to do with the lack of love. We are just people fighting battles you cannot always see or guess.

Some of us can hide things astoundingly well. Sometimes we win our battles, sometimes, we lose. It depends on the person, but yes, we are like other people and we love, but sometimes our illnesses can rob us of our capacity to cognitively recognize or express that… 💞

What Is Wrong!?

The world is changing as we know it. With more than 2 months gone in lockdown, it goes unsaid that things aren’t the same anymore and it won’t be same ever. Be it our mental health or the ‘health’ of the jobs that we have been doing, nothing will be the same ever again.

And since, in this blog post, I have decided to open up, let me give you a brief insight into my life right now, in May, 2020. I’ve no work (literally, ZERO), no money in my bank a/c and no matter how many phone-calls or emails I shoot, nothing seems to be working out. All I get as a ‘reply’ is either, “We’ll get back to you with work related query.”, or worse yet, no reply at all.

Frankly, I am not the kind of guy who generally discusses my problems with people, for I believe, everyone has their own share of issues and my issues are something that nobody would really be interesting in hearing. I don’t understand, whether to call it sheer bad luck or the fact that I’m cursed, but nothing seems to be working out in my favour at all.

Take, for example, the car window that was damaged for no apparent reason at all, when there were atleast 4 other bigger cars there parked right besides my car. Still, my small hatchback was targeted. For what? Next, I’ve been running pillar to post to get my Axis bank debit card to be renewed that expired back in the month of April, 2020. But, NOTHING has been done with regards to that either. The bank executives say, generally, they send a message or two well before a card expiration date (which, I agree to), but they fail to understand how I did not receive any message at all.

Plus, the fact that no new ATM card has yet been issue to my account is beyond even their comprehension. Earlier today, I paid my home-branch (which is a whole 20kms. from where my home is) a second visit in the last 7 days, and although I am generally a very optimistic guy, but here, I am absolutely hopeless! I know, for sure that I’d receive a call in a day or two mentioning that my ATM card couldn’t be issued because of some God forsaken reason!

I did not quite believe in luck or destiny before all this Coronavirus pandemic hit us all. Even then, I thoroughly believed in thinking ahead and thinking positive. But, I am slowly breaking down, to the point where I’m just letting everything go. It is not like I am losing hope or I am veering towards depression. Far from that, as a matter of fact. It’s just that strange feeling – the one where you stop arguing, or fighting for even what’s right. Yes, that’s exactly the kind of feeling I am having since the past couple of weeks or so.

I’ve no idea what the future holds for all of us, or for the entire mankind as a whole, but I really want all of us to be at a place from where we can look ahead and see a world where we can live and thrive. Right now, as I see it, every single day is such a massive struggle – right from pushing myself out of the bed to doing everything on a daily basis – every single task feels like an absolute chore, which I despise.

I’ve not had proper food for the past 2 and a half days now. There have been a lot of issues on the family front as well, that’s breaking me from within. But, you know what is the funniest thing in all this? That I cannot even show it to the outer world, for I know it is just no worth it!

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