Tag Archives: life

Hallucinating…

Tonight, I tried it, but failed miserably at it. Am I a coward? Perhaps. I don’t know whether there is anything known as an “easy death”, but I think death is not really the end of the suffering. I understand and totally know that this brings with it a lot of unanswered questions & a lot of unsaid answers to the family, friends and whoever that might have known you, but there are moments when it all just gets a little too much to handle.

Things haven’t been too well. Life hasn’t been well, but then again whose life is? It feels like a struggle each day from the moment I wake up till the time I sleep, it feels like a chore… Don’t know how long this will go on for. I’m not even sure how long would I be able to hold on for.

Am I hallucinating?

Sad…Hopeless…Worthless…

It feels like I am drowning, except everyone around me is breathing. The pain comes in waves & keeps piercing my mind and dragging me down to the depths, almost choking me.

I don’t know or understand if this is how sadness or depression feels like, but this is exactly how I feel. I’m lucky that I have that ability to pen down how I feel, in words. But, this deep sadness, this deep sense of loss has hit me hard. If you meet me, I might not even come out as a person who can be or who is, infact, terribly sad and broken from within. On the contrary, you might feel, I am one of the most happiest persons you’ve ever met!

From what I know, depression isn’t something tangible. You see, when you’re physically hurt, you can see the injury, treat it and hopefully be done with it. But, it isn’t the case with mental hurt. It stays and buries deep down into your psyche, and then slowly hits you, takes you into its stride, grabs you and just doesn’t let you go.

I don’t understand it, nor do I wish to fight it anymore. I’m tired. All I seeked was companionship, love and a little bit of affection. But that shall never be the case with my life, with me. Never. I know now, for sure. I’m absolutely sure…

My fate, whatever be it, I am accepting it for this is how life is perhaps deciding to treat me…

Until we meet again…

Emptiness & Abandonment

I haven’t written in a while, not because I did not have anything to share, but because I felt, sharing it all with the world, putting my emotions “out there” meant being vulnerable.

But, tonight, I feel this strange sense of emptiness, a void, if you will. Although, we all feel “empty” time to time because of reasons known and unknown, but this sense of void and inner emptiness is something which drives people to the extremes. Your ego-wounded self is filled with false beliefs regarding who you are. Your wounded self may see you as inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, not important, selfish, bad, wrong. Your wounded self operates from core shame — that you are intrinsically flawed.

I know it all, but when it comes to being emotionally strong, I know I am breaking down. Bit by bit. And it isn’t a pleasant feeling at all. I’ve never really been someone who would openly discuss this with friends or family, for that matter. But I feel tonight is really a tough night.

It is almost like I feel numb, maybe because of the myriad emotions running through my head; all at the same time. I can now see why people, who perhaps feel like me start substance abuse. Perhaps, it “helps” them in giving a false sense of relief. But, I feel, when you abandon yourself by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings by letting them stay in your head, numbing your feelings through substance and process addictions and making others responsible for your feelings and for loving you, you will feel empty. You are causing your own emptiness by your self-abandonment.

Like I said, emptiness is a very dangerous emotion and I feel it tonight. I totally do…

Asking For Love…

I should have held you tighter in my arms during your worst days to keep your pieces together. I should have held your hands longer to keep them warm in this rather cold world. I should have caught up with you, tried to walk side by side with you, just to make you feel that you will always have someone to walk this world with.

I should have tried harder to learn the art of finding the right distance, to make sure that I will not be too close to suffocate you and not too far to make you feel like you are alone because, my love, you will always have me.

I should have stared at your face a little longer that night when all we did was be happy, when all we did was be us. I should have ingrained every detail of everything you are into my mind and heart.

My love, with all the goodness that remains in my heart, I hope you find your way back to yourself again…💕

Broken…

I feel rejected. I feel numb, it feels like my sense of self and balance is absolutely gone. Life has its share of hardships but rejection and in-turn revenge are extremely hard to cope with. Since the past few days, I have been struggling really bad with anxiety and to some extent panic attacks. I am all alone and dealing with this extremely jolting pain all by myself is getting out of hand, slowly and I can feel it. And the worst part is, as much as I want to get it out, but I cannot even share with anyone. Anyone at all. I am broken. From within. Shattered.

I feel like I am caught up in the stormy brain chemistry of rejection and loss where I feel zero self-worth and I am almost on the verge of depression. I feel I am not needed, and I have no worth or value for anyone in my life. I already am having a lot of anxiety, a feeling of addiction and deprivation, plus an overwhelming drive to finish this life altogether. I want to combat the real emotional pain of rejection and loss, but the struggle that life has become is making it impossible for me to just hold on to life itself.

I feel like a needy fool. This ordeal is just gutting me inside out. I feel like I am going down the drain and I cannot help it. I feel rejected, sad and total loss of self-belief and love. I feel broken…

I saw him cry…

Yes, I did witness him cry. Just now, moments back. He was looking at a framed family photograph when I was a kid, and just looking at that picture and speaking about when was this taken, his eyes went moist.

When you are young, you always feel your parents are absolutely invincible. For you, they are the “super-hero dads” and “wonder woman moms”. They can fix bruised knees, and any pain that you have with magical kisses. It’s like they make food appear out of nowhere and can turn the “evil monsters” lurking under the bed into whimsical fairy-dust. They are stronger than anything. They are invincible, immortal, untouchable. They just do not get hurt and their word is the law.

My dad has been an Army man and is physically fit even at the age of 70+. He is disciplined, organized, systematic, logical, energetic & sacrificing. I really have forever admired him for his intelligence & personality.

But after looking at his moist eyes, I wish I could just hug him. He started crying before even completing the sentence. My dad cried – the unbreakable, indomitable, rock-steady father that I envisioned to be a super-hero all my life had tears in his eyes. I felt it was more than just moist eyes – it was a painful release. I wished to support him, this time I wated to be the rock, the immortal, immovable, steadfast being. But looking at him, tears started to roll out of my eyes too inspite of all my efforts to control myself and support him.

I realized that my supr-hero dad is only human. An incredible, generous, loving, intelligent man. He has the same hopes & dreams, the same fears and drives and pains that anyone else has. He is a human, after all.

Life & its Existence

 

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Life is hard. It includes physical pain, mental pain, hatred, anxiety, disappointment. Life’s problems are so significant that we all try to just avoid them. But just these words cannot convey the pure depth & intensity of what I want to say.

Of course the above does not describe all of human life. There is love, friendship, honor, knowledge, play, beauty, pleasure, creative work, and a thousand other things that make life, at least sometimes, worthwhile, and at other times pure bliss.
We seek health and vitality, friends and mates, pleasure and happiness. Our desires appear unlimited. And presuming that we fulfill these desires, we still face philosophical concerns: What is real? What can we know? What should we do? What can we hope for? And, most importantly, what is the meaning of life in a world that contains so much suffering? This is the central philosophical question of human life. Fortune may shine upon us but we ultimately suffer and perish, raising the question of the point of it all. If all our hopes, plans, longings, and love ultimately vanish, then what does it all mean? And this question penetrates to the core of the human existence…

 

Frames from Sikkim || 2017

Sikkim has always been on my travel diary but somehow it eluded me for years.

Finally, during the month of June 2017, I finally could visit this amazing state. And what I saw literally blew me away. Sikkim is green, clean and all organic (the first & only state in this country!). It is so easy to fall in love with the place that one can’t help but marvel at the amazing natural beauty and the lush sub-tropical woodlands. Words will never be able to do justice to the place.

So, I present a few frames from Sikkim. I hope this gives you the motivation to pack your bags and leave. Sikkim is love. Sikkim is pure magic.

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I failed. Again!

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Tonight, I had slept early. Maybe I was tired or just wanted to rest, I am not sure. But, I fell asleep with the phone in my hand as is generally the case. If I am home, the phone is my friend and gives me constant company when I am not working. And then, an email notification suddenly woke me about 15 minutes back.

I failed tonight. Again. For the Nth time in my life, and each time I fail I lose a little bit of me. You see, a big project that I was working on and was absolutely sure I shall get to do, slipped through my hand tonight. Those 5 lines of email jolted me out of my peaceful sleep like an earthquake would! It’s not that such things haven’t happened in the past. Being in the creative industry, I have faced such failures time & again, but each time it happens, it feels like the first time. The result, essentially, is always the same – every time you fall short of achieving your goal, I fall back and go into deep self-critical role. And THEN, it becomes absolutely impossible and difficult to let go of all that negativity – the negative energy that I feel right at this moment about it all as I pen these words down (or rather, type this down).

As demotivated as I am right now, I think I need to boost my morale by building self-acceptance and through this blog post, I want to help everyone who has ever been through failure in their respective lives. I think, when we hold a negative perception of ourselves,  it is not surprising to feel lost, defeated and like a huge failure in life. Each obstacle, mistake or failure can seem like proof of what we already know, that we won’t succeed and that it is not okay. What we need to do when we feel demotivated or depressed is we need to learn to give priority to ourselves and value ourselves We need to focus on valuing who we are and NOT what you do.

During all these years working as a creative professional, I’ve also come to realize that when we look to our accomplishments for validations of whether we are “worthy” or not, our sense of feeling good about ourselves depends completely on those achievements of life, which, frankly speaking, is a little too harsh.

Yes, I feel terribly upset tonight, yes, I feel dejected & like I’ve failed big time but I also know that with self-acceptance and identifying the issues, I will be fine. I would, at this point in time, love to brag about having truly supportive & compassionate friends but truth be told – they are more like ‘acquaintances’ than friends; I have absolutely NO true friends whom I can fully trust or be open with about my issues. It’s not that I don’t have “friends”. But, those who really care are only a few (less than the number of fingers I have on one hand!). 🙂

At the end of the day, after some thought, self-pity and what not, I have come to realize that persistence is the key to anything in life, and each time I fail, I somehow motivate myself by different means after I am done feeling dejected. This time too, I need to do the same. I need to be persistent. With persistence, no matter what my goals are, I shall increase my chances of achieving them in life…

A Free Day in a Photographer’s Life!

Well, today is Monday, and this week’s video is a short 3-minute walk-through of a free day in my life! There are days when I’m over-loaded with work (photo-shoots, client meetings, running errands, etc.) and then there are days like this. Please do “Subscribe” to my channel on ‪#‎YouTube‬ for weekly updates!

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