Tag Archives: life

Asking For Love…

I should have held you tighter in my arms during your worst days to keep your pieces together. I should have held your hands longer to keep them warm in this rather cold world. I should have caught up with you, tried to walk side by side with you, just to make you feel that you will always have someone to walk this world with.

I should have tried harder to learn the art of finding the right distance, to make sure that I will not be too close to suffocate you and not too far to make you feel like you are alone because, my love, you will always have me.

I should have stared at your face a little longer that night when all we did was be happy, when all we did was be us. I should have ingrained every detail of everything you are into my mind and heart.

My love, with all the goodness that remains in my heart, I hope you find your way back to yourself again…๐Ÿ’•

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Broken…

I feel rejected. I feel numb, it feels like my sense of self and balance is absolutely gone. Life has its share of hardships but rejection and in-turn revenge are extremely hard to cope with. Since the past few days, I have been struggling really bad with anxiety and to some extent panic attacks. I am all alone and dealing with this extremely jolting pain all by myself is getting out of hand, slowly and I can feel it. And the worst part is, as much as I want to get it out, but I cannot even share with anyone. Anyone at all. I am broken. From within. Shattered.

I feel like I am caught up in the stormy brain chemistry of rejection and loss where I feel zero self-worth and I am almost on the verge of depression. I feel I am not needed, and I have no worth or value for anyone in my life. I already am having a lot of anxiety, a feeling of addiction and deprivation, plus an overwhelming drive to finish this life altogether. I want to combat the real emotional pain of rejection and loss, but the struggle that life has become is making it impossible for me to just hold on to life itself.

I feel like a needy fool. This ordeal is just gutting me inside out. I feel like I am going down the drain and I cannot help it. I feel rejected, sad and total loss of self-belief and love. I feel broken…

I saw him cry…

Yes, I did witness him cry. Just now, moments back. He was looking at a framed family photograph when I was a kid, and just looking at that picture and speaking about when was this taken, his eyes went moist.

When you are young, you always feel your parents are absolutely invincible. For you, they are the “super-hero dads” and “wonder woman moms”. They can fix bruised knees, and any pain that you have with magical kisses. It’s like they make food appear out of nowhere and can turn the “evil monsters” lurking under the bed into whimsical fairy-dust. They are stronger than anything. They are invincible, immortal, untouchable. They just do not get hurt and their word is the law.

My dad has been an Army man and is physically fit even at the age of 70+. He is disciplined, organized, systematic, logical, energetic & sacrificing. I really have forever admired him for his intelligence & personality.

But after looking at his moist eyes, I wish I could just hug him. He started crying before even completing the sentence. My dad cried – the unbreakable, indomitable, rock-steady father that I envisioned to be a super-hero all my life had tears in his eyes. I felt it was more than just moist eyes – it was a painful release. I wished to support him, this time I wated to be the rock, the immortal, immovable, steadfast being. But looking at him, tears started to roll out of my eyes too inspite of all my efforts to control myself and support him.

I realized that my supr-hero dad is only human. An incredible, generous, loving, intelligent man. He has the same hopes & dreams, the same fears and drives and pains that anyone else has. He is a human, after all.

Life & its Existence

 

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Life is hard. It includes physical pain, mental pain, hatred, anxiety, disappointment. Life’s problems are so significant that we all try to just avoid them. But just these words cannot convey the pure depth & intensity of what I want to say.

Of course the above does not describe all of human life. There is love, friendship, honor, knowledge, play, beauty, pleasure, creative work, and a thousand other things that make life, at least sometimes, worthwhile, and at other times pure bliss.
We seek health and vitality, friends and mates, pleasure and happiness. Our desires appear unlimited. And presuming that we fulfill these desires, we still face philosophical concerns: What is real? What can we know? What should we do? What can we hope for? And, most importantly, what is the meaning of life in a world that contains so much suffering? This is the central philosophical question of human life. Fortune may shine upon us but we ultimately suffer and perish, raising the question of the point of it all. If all our hopes, plans, longings, and love ultimately vanish, then what does it all mean? And this question penetrates to the core of the human existence…

 

Frames from Sikkim || 2017

Sikkim has always been on my travel diary but somehow it eluded me for years.

Finally, during the month of June 2017, I finally could visit this amazing state. And what I saw literally blew me away. Sikkim is green, clean and all organic (the first & only state in this country!). It is so easy to fall in love with the place that one can’t help but marvel at the amazing natural beauty and the lush sub-tropical woodlands. Words will never be able to do justice to the place.

So, I present a few frames from Sikkim. I hope this gives you the motivation to pack your bags and leave. Sikkim is love. Sikkim is pure magic.

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I failed. Again!

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Tonight, I had slept early. Maybe I was tired or just wanted to rest, I am not sure. But, I fell asleep with the phone in my hand as is generally the case. If I am home, the phone is my friend and gives me constant company when I am not working. And then, an email notification suddenly woke me about 15 minutes back.

I failed tonight. Again. For the Nth time in my life, and each time I fail I lose a little bit of me. You see, a big project that I was working on and was absolutely sure I shall get to do, slipped through my hand tonight. Those 5 lines of email jolted me out of my peaceful sleep like an earthquake would! It’s not that such things haven’t happened in the past. Being in the creative industry, I have faced such failures time & again, but each time it happens, it feels like the first time. The result, essentially, is always the same – every time you fall short of achieving your goal, I fall back and go into deep self-critical role. And THEN, it becomes absolutely impossible and difficult to let go of all that negativity – the negative energy that I feel right at this moment about it all as I pen these words down (or rather, type this down).

As demotivated as I am right now, I think I need to boost my morale by building self-acceptance and through this blog post, I want to help everyone who has ever been through failure in their respective lives. I think, when we hold a negative perception of ourselves, ย it is not surprising to feel lost, defeated and like a huge failure in life. Each obstacle, mistake or failure can seem like proof of what we already know, that we won’t succeed and that it is not okay. What we need to do when we feel demotivated or depressed is we need to learn to give priority to ourselves and value ourselves We need to focus on valuing who we are and NOT what you do.

During all these years working as a creative professional, I’ve also come to realize that when we look to our accomplishments for validations of whether we are “worthy” or not, our sense of feeling good about ourselves depends completely on those achievements of life, which, frankly speaking, is a little too harsh.

Yes, I feel terribly upset tonight, yes, I feel dejected & like I’ve failed big time but I also know that with self-acceptance and identifying the issues, I will be fine. I would, at this point in time, love to brag about having truly supportive & compassionate friends but truth be told – they are more like ‘acquaintances’ than friends; I have absolutely NO true friends whom I can fully trust or be open with about my issues. It’s not that I don’t have “friends”. But, those who really care are only a few (less than the number of fingers I have on one hand!). ๐Ÿ™‚

At the end of the day, after some thought, self-pity and what not, I have come to realize that persistence is the key to anything in life, and each time I fail, I somehow motivate myself by different means after I am done feeling dejected. This time too, I need to do the same. I need to be persistent. With persistence, no matter what my goals are, I shall increase my chances of achieving them in life…

A Free Day in a Photographer’s Life!

Well, today is Monday, and this week’s video is a short 3-minute walk-through of a free day in my life! There are days when I’m over-loaded with work (photo-shoots, client meetings, running errands, etc.) and then there are days like this. Please do “Subscribe” to my channel on โ€ช#โ€ŽYouTubeโ€ฌ for weekly updates!

#LifeofAPhotographer – a short insight (vlog) into my professional life…

 

#LifeofAPhotographer – As a part of this week’s video, I wanted to share a little glimpse of my life as a working full-time photographer. It is the general perception of public at large that all a photographer does is “click a button” apart from travelling to exotic locations, staying in 5-star properties, and just generally having fun. Well, ofcourse that is ALSO a part & parcel of such an amazing “job”, if I will. But, as you’d probably watch in this video, it is much more than just that. It is about travelling during odd hours, sleeping late nights (or in my case not sleeping at all!) and rushing back to the home-city for another shoot and client meet.

Do “Subscribe” to my YouTube channel for weekly updates, if you like the video or like what you see in my channel. ๐Ÿ™‚

Kolkata – the City of Joy

Kolkata is a city which brings varied emotions out of you, and as a photographer, it was an honor to walk through the amazing streets of the beautiful city and capture a few frames which I’d, perhaps, remember till the next time I go visit that wonderful city yet again! Here are a few photographs straight from the City of Joy…

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Kolkata - the City of Joy

Kolkata – the City of Joy

Kolkata - the City of Joy

Kolkata – the City of Joy

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The Night Speaks to Me

As I was driving back home a while back, I could not control myself; this feeling of utter sadness hit me hard, I have no idea how or from where but I could feel a certain heaviness inside that beating heart of mine, so much so that I had to stop by the road-side just to let those emotions flow through me, eventually making my eyes moist. I stood there on the road-side, late night, all alone for a good 20 minutes before I could gather the courage to move again. It was suffocating, it felt as if it was hard to even breathe. I am sure you know that feeling. I got out of the car at the middle of nowhere and just stood there, almost feeling nothing, just looking at the road signs and the signals blinking afar. It was like I had gone completely numb.

I love her and think about her each and every moment but especially tonight as I sit on the chair right now staring at the blank wall. I cannot stop thinking of her, no matter how hard I try to concentrate on other things. There she is, constantly on my mind, no matter what I do. It feels like my soul is burning and I’m screaming from the pain but no one can hear me. Everyone is just walking past me without realizing what I feel inside me, that I feel like I might die tonight. I look with pleading eyes all around; can’t someone stop this unimaginable pain?!

The world seems so distant today, and seems it is unaware that I’m missing the heart from my chest. That it feels like a chunk was violently ripped out and the hole is still new and the wound still fresh with blood oozing out of it. I try and pretend that my world is not shattered, because somehow I think this sort of thinking might help, but I have truly realized one fact, that everyday is a trial. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing. Everyday I need to make a conscious effort to be alive. Each night I have to remind myself to fall asleep, and even then, it has almost been a couple of months that I sleep for not more than 2 hours each night, or shall I say each morning as I can only fall asleep post sunrise. What do I do all night long? I turn sides, I wake up, start working on the laptop. I try going back to sleep again and the same vicious cycle continues till I look up the wall clock to realize it is already 5:30 in the morning. Yes, that is how my nights have been since the past 2 months now, almost. I do not remember the last time I’ve had a proper “goodnight’s sleep” so to speak.

But, I don’t know what has hit me tonight. I feel like I can write the saddest lines, because it just makes me sad to think that I do not have her aroubd. To feel that I might not be loved, I might not ever have the previlege of her love; perhaps never.  I can hear this night, this silence speaking to me tonight and to hear the night whispering into your ears can be such an immense pain, something which these words cannot describe.

I just want this pain to end forever, as I feel tonight these might very well be the last lines I dedicate to her. And I want these emotions to touch her soul, like dew touches the green pasture…

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