Tag Archives: life

The Night Speaks to Me

As I was driving back home a while back, I could not control myself; this feeling of utter sadness hit me hard, I have no idea how or from where but I could feel a certain heaviness inside that beating heart of mine, so much so that I had to stop by the road-side just to let those emotions flow through me, eventually making my eyes moist. I stood there on the road-side, late night, all alone for a good 20 minutes before I could gather the courage to move again. It was suffocating, it felt as if it was hard to even breathe. I am sure you know that feeling. I got out of the car at the middle of nowhere and just stood there, almost feeling nothing, just looking at the road signs and the signals blinking afar. It was like I had gone completely numb.

I love her and think about her each and every moment but especially tonight as I sit on the chair right now staring at the blank wall. I cannot stop thinking of her, no matter how hard I try to concentrate on other things. There she is, constantly on my mind, no matter what I do. It feels like my soul is burning and I’m screaming from the pain but no one can hear me. Everyone is just walking past me without realizing what I feel inside me, that I feel like I might die tonight. I look with pleading eyes all around; can’t someone stop this unimaginable pain?!

The world seems so distant today, and seems it is unaware that I’m missing the heart from my chest. That it feels like a chunk was violently ripped out and the hole is still new and the wound still fresh with blood oozing out of it. I try and pretend that my world is not shattered, because somehow I think this sort of thinking might help, but I have truly realized one fact, that everyday is a trial. Everyday I have to remind myself to keep breathing. Everyday I need to make a conscious effort to be alive. Each night I have to remind myself to fall asleep, and even then, it has almost been a couple of months that I sleep for not more than 2 hours each night, or shall I say each morning as I can only fall asleep post sunrise. What do I do all night long? I turn sides, I wake up, start working on the laptop. I try going back to sleep again and the same vicious cycle continues till I look up the wall clock to realize it is already 5:30 in the morning. Yes, that is how my nights have been since the past 2 months now, almost. I do not remember the last time I’ve had a proper “goodnight’s sleep” so to speak.

But, I don’t know what has hit me tonight. I feel like I can write the saddest lines, because it just makes me sad to think that I do not have her aroubd. To feel that I might not be loved, I might not ever have the previlege of her love; perhaps never.  I can hear this night, this silence speaking to me tonight and to hear the night whispering into your ears can be such an immense pain, something which these words cannot describe.

I just want this pain to end forever, as I feel tonight these might very well be the last lines I dedicate to her. And I want these emotions to touch her soul, like dew touches the green pasture…

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My Love For You

You know, it is almost like you have been elusive to me in so many ways but at the same time, I also feel as if life sometimes may have fooled me, yet I know you are out there. In some form.  I mean, I am not able to describe it correctly but somehow I search for your face around in the faces that I see or for that matter I almost could hear your voice uttering those cute notings. Till this day, I thought all this could only happen in movies or maybe in dreams but I’ve been proven wrong and comprehensively so. You are literally everywhere…

Why haven’t I been able to say all that I want, show you all that I am, and give you all I have? I’ve been a big failure when it comes to personal relationships. I do not know why is God making me wait or what sort of a test is he seeking from me, I would never know , because this is a factor beyond my control.

So, wherever you might be in life,  know that I love you and you will be the one that lurked passionately in my dreams each night. Night after night. Know that I am always longing for you and your presence. Know that you will always be everything to me. Even though I might not mean anything to you but you must know, I love you. I always will.

I’ve tried to describe your beauty, your smile, your kind heart in words and I’ve found out that my words only begin to scratch the surface of what I feel for you. You are too amazing, too much of a wonder for any mere language to describe.

If I could be frank, I really want to express my feelings for you but I cannot. How could I, when those feelings take my breath away? How can I measure my love for you when that love compares to nothing else, and when that love exceeds all categories and all expectations. No words can express the reality of how I feel for you. Nothing can express my love for you because you are indescribable, and my love for you is something which can NEVER be measured.

You know, simply looking into your gorgeous eyes feels like I’m in a whirlwind of intense emotions. Just one brief smile from you feels like radiance and, shall I say, absolute joy. My heart just beats like it knows no bounds. From simple things, like when I see you “Like” my posts on social networking websites to stuff you utter everyday just brings joy to my heart. You’ve no idea how big a part you are, of my life.

I’ve always been a passionate and inherently positive person but until the day I actually met you, I had never before felt so much energy & to a certain extent, hope. I want you to know, I shall forever be grateful to God for making me meet you. It is such a pleasure to just know you.

You might not even know this but you have given me a heart full of love and days full of positivity and I will give myself to you always. Anytime. All the time.

For, I LOVE YOU…

Passion Won’t Make You Successful in Photography

If you’re relying only on being passionate for being successful in photography, then, I’m sorry to break that bubble but passion alone won’t keep you in business. It is the harsh truth, but there you have it.

I understand the fact that this will perhaps come as a big surprise to some because we are conditioned to hear the word ‘passion’ everywhere. It is highly spoken of at speeches and on television shows and what not, basically it is everywhere. It promptly shows up at the beginning when an idea is generally discussed; it is extremely exciting and very shiny as all new things are but passion is the first one to get out of the door and run away when it comes to tough times.

Yes, we need passion for it makes you feel alive, brimming with some sort of purpose in life. We love passion and more than that, we really do need it. You would agree that just hearing the word makes you feel happy & motivated.

But, like I’ve said a while back, it’s a very strange thing. It is extremely powerful to start with but at the first sight of problems, it is the first one to vanish. Essentially, that sparkle that I talked about in the beginning, that wears off pretty quickly. It just wants to show up, makes you really happy and then go away.

Passion is a temporary thing but that is perfectly fine, as that is how it is really supposed to be. It is more or a precursor to something better that’s to come. If I can put it bluntly, passion is the seed from which something known as “dedication” grows. And trust me when I say, dedication, that is the real deal.

Dedication makes you continue trudging on when times are hard. Or stay up late till night when your body is breaking down and crying for sleep. Dedication is exactly what pushes you towards making yourself a better photographer, a better business-person and perhaps a better person, overall.

So, to all my photographer friends, there’s just one thing I’d say – Embrace passion with both hands but please don’t expect it to stay forever. For, you must always remember, “Passion is what makes you pick up the camera, but dedication is what keeps it in your hands.”

Why Am I Unhappy?

Why do you think it‰’s like that? It‰’s because the majority of people on this planet don‰’t understand the psychology behind happiness. People believe that happiness is acquired from gaining things and that happiness is directly correlated with what they do in their lives. They feel that happiness is just like the other cause and effects in this world, and that a certain thing that they acquire or gain will in effect bring them happiness. They are so wrong. Happiness is something which is not quantifiable. You can be the richest person on earth or the poorest yet your levels of happiness could be the same. The reason why? Happiness is a mentality it isn‰’t something which can be bought or purchased, it‰’s something which must be learnt and cultured; it‰’s all in your head.

This takes us to the question of the article: You are not happy in your life, only because you choose to be unhappy. It isn‰’t because of your failures or because of your losses, you are unhappy because of your perspective. You are unhappy because you are looking at life with the wrong lens. You must grasp the concept that happiness is a mentality and that only you have control over whether you are happy or not. So what now? Well it‰’s time to bring a revolution in your life. You must prioritize and put happiness at the top of your list. You must realize that knowingly or unknowingly the thing that drives everybody in life is the pursuit for true happiness. This is now your moment to take control of your life. Change your perception and look at life with a big perspective. Realize what makes you happy and pursue it.

Understand the phycology of happiness, understand your psychology and before you know it you will be happy again.

Connaught on an Monsoon Evening

It is not often that it rains so much in Delhi, the capital of this beautiful country, India.

But this year’s monsoon thus far has been a majestic one with non-stop rains for the past 48 hours almost and boy, I’m not complaining. I’ve been feeling happy, and content within and trust me when I say, the weather has got a huge role to play. You see, most people love sunshine, summers, etc. Not that I loathe them myself but there is something really magical, something majestic about the monsoons which just takes my breath away in an instant.

And then there is photography. I love how the rains provide us with some amazing chance to photograph everything around us. You don’t need a hefty DSLR to always get the shot. A mere cell-phone these days is capable of creating some amazing pictures.

I hope this spell continues for a few more days, for India is predominantly a country where summer rules the roost, so to speak. So, monsoons, you’re more than welcome to stay as long as you like, love. 🙂

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Connaught Place on an monsoon evening- by Bobby Roy

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New Delhi monsoon - by Bobby Roy

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Hauz Khas on an monsoon evening - by Bobby Roy

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Droplets - by Bobby Roy

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Monsoon reflections - by Bobby Roy

Miss you mother

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I was browsing the internet looking for something, some words to relieve me of the pain that I feel tonight. I feel so lonely, like I’ve never felt before. I truly believe every word that is being said above in the image. Losing mother is permanent and something that just cannot be expressed in mere words. It is a wound that would never quite heal.

Mom, if you’re looking at me, please bless me. I need your blessings, love and everything that you had for me, for in you I had found the secret of happiness.

I miss you, mother…

God’s Existence – the Belief

Wouldn’t you, for once, love for someone to simply show you the evidence for God’s existence? No arm-twisting. No statements of, “You just have to believe.”

But first consider this. When it comes to the possibility of God’s existence, they say there are people who have seen sufficient evidence, but they have suppressed the truth about God. On the other hand, for those who want to know God if he is there, he says, “You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you.” Before you look at the facts surrounding God’s existence, ask yourself, If God does exist, would I want to know him?

If you are wondering why am I talking in such a philosophical manner today, it is only because earlier this evening I accompanied a friend of mine to ISCKON Temple, a really big and perhaps one of its kind temple dedicated to Lord Krishna. And as I entered the premises, I was overwhelmed to see the number of people who were there, everywhere – in long que, on the lawns just relaxing after paying their respects, priests all over and devotees seeking the blessings of lord Krishna.

It was just heart-warming and overwhelming for me to see the amount of devotion that these people have. It is very humid and the weather hasn’t been kind since the past few weeks, but that does not deter people from gathering in huge number everyday to pray.

For someone who doesn’t quite believe in God, I was awe-struck, and couldn’t believe the sheer number of devotees inside the temple premises in one single time, with a long que waiting for their chance to get inside the temple and pay their respects to lord Krishna.

As I snapped a few photographs with my mobile phone, I just kept wondering all this time – does He really exist? Is he really listening to the millions of people who come here to pray each year, and if He really is blessing each one of us. I would never know…

Sharing a few pictures here, of the ISCKON Temple, New Delhi.

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ISCKON Temple, New Delhi

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ISCKON temple, New Delhi

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ISCKON temple, New Delhi

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ISCKON temple, New Delhi

Remembering Mom…

Today, I feel really sad. I don’t really know any other way how to start this blog entry than to just put it bluntly – I miss my mom. It has been 2 years that she passed away but I just cannot stop mourning. Nobody wants their parents to outlive their children, I am sure. The thought of any parent having to bury or burn their child is just so awful & bleak. Yet that doesn’t make it any more esy to lose your mom. My mom passed away two years back in a sudden heart-stroke. Yes, I know it has been 2 long years without her, but the feeling of bereavement is so intense that it’s virtually unbearable.

Watching mom die in my own arms was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever been throigh, though I am grateful for all the times I got to spend with her in the past 30 years. I haven’t been able to write so clearly about my emotions for her in my blog till now. Understandably, I am quite sad, which can also be a big motivation killer. That being said, having my work to concentrate on has been, shall I say, a welcome distraction.

Mom and I were close; although I have a elder brother but mom really and seriously loved me to the core. Because my dad travelled and worked when I was young, I spent most of my time growing up with her. We also shared similar personality traits, I believe including a little bit of sensitivity as well. I completely believe a lot of me is because of my mom. She was the most loving person I have ever known. She is perhaps the best example of “unconditional love” I have ever seen. There were times when she did struggle to make and keep friends but she never really complained about others and had always time for her family. There was this another amazing quality in her; she never pushed me to do things I really did not want to do. As a small kid, I was kind of shy, and a shy kid doesn’t really want to do many things outside by himself. However, there are times I wish she would have pushed me a little harder to do things; maybe I would’ve been a different person altogether, I don’t know.

The day she passed away, I was out working and came home a little late. As I entered the house, she calmly looked at me and asked me to have dinner. I had no idea what was to come. The night did seem to pass by pretty quick and as I was preparing to just work a bit on my laptop, my father called out my name and said there was something wrong with mother. I rushed out of my room, and could see her gasping for air, and she couldn’t really speak. I held her in my arms, while my brother called an ambulance. I took a glass of water and she had one sip before she completely collapsed in my arms. I wasn’t sure at all how to identify death, or I couldn’t believe that she was gone. So, I picked up her hand. It was lifeless, I looked at her face and she looked absolutely lifeless. At that very moment, it stuck me; mom was gone. Forever.

I am, to this day, still coming to terms with what happened. Mom was like that safety blanket growing up as all moms are. Ofcourse, as I grew older, I became more independent and in many ways I started to look after mom like she used to look after me. But, I can sense a change in my after she passed away. I know I am a changed man. She calmed me, when I used to get restless, she loved me without any condition whatsoever and she genuinely thought good about me no matter what the situation was. Since the day she passed away, I am having a hard time even beginning a new phase of life as mom ended her time on this planet. All she ever wanted was for me to be happy, and as I type these lines, my eyes are moist and these tears roll down my cheek. God, I miss her.

I am glad of the fact that she did not have to suffer and was gone in an instant. But, then again, on an personal level, I am sad that she would never be able to see my wife, or her grand-children as all she wanted was for me to get married to a nice girl. This, for me is one of the hardest things to come to term with, that I was not really able to make her happy. Or proud.

Seeing a loved one die infront of your eyes is the most surreal experiences I could ever have. I want to talk to my mom on days, and there are nights I just cannot sleep at all. I want to talk to her and tell her everything about my life that has happened ever since she left me because I would talk to her for anything in life.

You know, to wake up knowing that someone who was always there for you is not there anymore is about as devastating as life gets, besides facing your very own mortality. I cannot keep this a secret anymore, that I have thought about death a lot many times since she left me. I thought about death even last night; but I know she would probably like me to be happy. And I would like to believe she is watching me from above.

Everybody around me believes that I am a bad human being, for I hurt people and say things that I do not always mean. I think my mom’s death has changed me drastically, the entire experience has changed me. All I would like to say at this moment is that one should live life like it was the last day of their life and you may not have as many days as you thought, but that’s not what I really feel. I feel that death is perhaps more closer to me than I have ever felt before. I do not mean to count days, and all that but what I mean is that it is so real. It’s more present now, more solid than ever before.

Till death takes me into her arms, I would try and distract myself with things that I love – photography, a lot of travelling, writing and just be in love with the one woman that I have always loved, no matter she failed to understand and feels that I am the worst person in this entire world.

Chance & Mystery – the Mystery Woman

At some point of time or another, I am sure it has happened with all of us. There is that certain random number that pops up wherever you go – hotel room, airline terminals, street addresses — it’s haunting presence cannot be escaped. Or you are driving around merrily in your car, absently humming a certain song and you switch on the radio and bang! There is that exact song now playing in the radio, and a sudden chill prickles your spine. Sheer co-incidence, you tell yourself. Or is it, really?

Why am I talking about co-incidences & chance encounters, etc. you ask? Well, a friend of mine recently went through a really tough time; more of a personal crisis in her life. She was looking out for signs of something positive, anything that would help her, or offer her a ray of hope or some sort of “light”, so to speak. One fine evening as she decided to go out for some coffee, she met a woman at this regular coffee shop who began talking to her and she actually started speaking about the various trials & tribulations of life with this friend of mine.

The woman spoke about gratitude, courage and at the end of it all, it was more of a monologue of life. She (my friend) clearly remembers what she said to her, “Everybody in this world, each one of us goes through tough times in life. All you need to do is think positive, be positive and fill your life with positive people.” With these words uttered, this particular woman just got up and left. The amazing part is, my friend had not shared a single word about her own difficulties or about her own life to this woman, yet, this woman made sure she felt positive.

Chance? Or mystery maybe? Perhaps one. Maybe both. It was just a chance encounter, an unlikely meeting of two people at a coffee shop that happened quite some-time ago. Was it meant to be? Was it a sheer coincidence? I would never know; and neither would she (my friend).

But the more interesting thing is that this encounter actually provided the positivity that this friend of mine needed in her life to move ahead, and pick herself up. On subsequent occasions, she went back to this coffee shop, sat there for hours hoping to meet this woman again. But, she never showed up. To this day, she remains the “mystery woman”.

Always to Blame, I am the Trigger

Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing can ever erase the things you say to another human being, let alone your significant other. You can try, for years, to wipe certain slates clean but take it from me, when it comes to hurtful words which includes words that you must have spat out in the heat of some argument or insults you did not mean at all, you will regret them for the rest of your life. I know it because I have been on both sides of the fence – I’ve said stuff that I did not mean, and I have definitely heard stuff which are etched clearly in the memory, and as much as I’ve tried to wipe everything off, it just comes back to haunt me again & again.

Most of the days I am an ok person, but there are days when I get jealous, I get possessive (especially for the one I love with my heart & soul) and yes, I have said things which I neither meant literally, nor should I have said them in the first place. But, I have also heard and gotten to know how bad a person I am, and maybe it is true, after all. Maybe I am a bad human being; somebody who does not deserve love, compassion, or even a life-partner. I think now I get it. Finally. My first partner decided it was better to cheat on me, than to discuss things with me that were bothering her. My second relationship also did not work out for myriad reasons, and I now have come to believe, no matter how many relationships I have, none will work out.

I think finally I have realized the fact that I am meant to be alone, & lonely. For the one I loved dearly feels strongly that I do not deserve love nor do I deserve anyone who would be faithful to me. But, if there is one piece of advice that I would like to give out to everyone who’s in love & who is in a relationship, it would be this -just think before you speak. Always. Each time. If you are one of those guys (or girls) who is cool or calm all the time no matter what is being said to them, then you have got nothing to worry about when it comes to the absolute number 1 mistake that people generally do in a relationship.

But, if you do have that certain switch inside your mind that is flicked at times, especially when you are overwhelmed, hurt, outmatched or whatever, then, I would say just get help or do something about it. I cannot say it enough; think before you speak out those words. Really THINK before you speak. Breathe. Walk away. But just don’t say things that hurt, alright? Because, you’ll ever be able to undo what you’ve said. Ever. I understand, you believe you are so tough and all that and you think you’ll be just fine, free as a bird, and dating other girls (or guys) and all, but buddy, you have no idea; you’ve no idea how being abandoned by the one you loved the most in your life, feels. I have lost the one I loved so dearly, I wouldn’t want this to happen with anyone of you…Ever.


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