Tag Archives: sadness

I saw him cry…

Yes, I did witness him cry. Just now, moments back. He was looking at a framed family photograph when I was a kid, and just looking at that picture and speaking about when was this taken, his eyes went moist.

When you are young, you always feel your parents are absolutely invincible. For you, they are the “super-hero dads” and “wonder woman moms”. They can fix bruised knees, and any pain that you have with magical kisses. It’s like they make food appear out of nowhere and can turn the “evil monsters” lurking under the bed into whimsical fairy-dust. They are stronger than anything. They are invincible, immortal, untouchable. They just do not get hurt and their word is the law.

My dad has been an Army man and is physically fit even at the age of 70+. He is disciplined, organized, systematic, logical, energetic & sacrificing. I really have forever admired him for his intelligence & personality.

But after looking at his moist eyes, I wish I could just hug him. He started crying before even completing the sentence. My dad cried – the unbreakable, indomitable, rock-steady father that I envisioned to be a super-hero all my life had tears in his eyes. I felt it was more than just moist eyes – it was a painful release. I wished to support him, this time I wated to be the rock, the immortal, immovable, steadfast being. But looking at him, tears started to roll out of my eyes too inspite of all my efforts to control myself and support him.

I realized that my supr-hero dad is only human. An incredible, generous, loving, intelligent man. He has the same hopes & dreams, the same fears and drives and pains that anyone else has. He is a human, after all.

Advertisements

Why Am I Unhappy?

Why do you think it‰’s like that? It‰’s because the majority of people on this planet don‰’t understand the psychology behind happiness. People believe that happiness is acquired from gaining things and that happiness is directly correlated with what they do in their lives. They feel that happiness is just like the other cause and effects in this world, and that a certain thing that they acquire or gain will in effect bring them happiness. They are so wrong. Happiness is something which is not quantifiable. You can be the richest person on earth or the poorest yet your levels of happiness could be the same. The reason why? Happiness is a mentality it isn‰’t something which can be bought or purchased, it‰’s something which must be learnt and cultured; it‰’s all in your head.

This takes us to the question of the article: You are not happy in your life, only because you choose to be unhappy. It isn‰’t because of your failures or because of your losses, you are unhappy because of your perspective. You are unhappy because you are looking at life with the wrong lens. You must grasp the concept that happiness is a mentality and that only you have control over whether you are happy or not. So what now? Well it‰’s time to bring a revolution in your life. You must prioritize and put happiness at the top of your list. You must realize that knowingly or unknowingly the thing that drives everybody in life is the pursuit for true happiness. This is now your moment to take control of your life. Change your perception and look at life with a big perspective. Realize what makes you happy and pursue it.

Understand the phycology of happiness, understand your psychology and before you know it you will be happy again.

Calling It Quits – Emotional Hurt

Why do you think, we don’t quite like most people. I think most of us don’t really value or like most people and that in itself is pretty amazing if you come to seriously think about it.

All this like and dislike is something which I do not quite understand clearly, if you ask me. You see, when we talk about liking or disliking someone, we do not really say that the particular person is likeable or not. Rather, we say, “I like that person”, or “I dislike that person.” So, essentially, it reflects more about us rather than the person we are talking about, I feel. Ofcourse, there might be reasons we have for liking or disliking someone or anything for that matter, but the fact remains that it tells more about us than them.

Most of the times, I have seen people confusing good-bad with likeable-not likeable when in reality, these are two different concepts. Yes, there are people in this world who like bad, maybe because bad or simply being bad gives them some sort of sadistic pleasure.

I am talking about all this tonight because I feel extremely emotional tonight and I am just trying to make some sense out of all that I feel within me. It is absolutely incredible that even the smallest of things can make us feel something so deep, emotionally. What is more incredible is the depth of emotions and how only other humans seem to be reciprocative of those emotions.

So, if some-day, your lover says something which hurts you or makes you feel bad or insulted, stop and think for a moment rather than reacting in the spur of the moment. Instead of simply hating your lover or partnee for showing your flaws or saying something that he/ she shouldn’t have, talk to him and ask him what the inert issue is. Look at it this way; a relatiomship is a partnership & partnership is only worth it when both the parties involved are working towards improvement and eventually further successes instead of name calling, cursing or abusing each other.

Lastly, I cannot say it enough; before you call it quits simply because you feel hurt or insulted,  think strongly about the person whom you’re throwing out or walking out on. Isn’t he/ she the best thing that could ever happen to you? Perhaps, yes and that is why you fell in love in the first place.

Love is a Myth…

I did not fall for you all at once. Nor did I fall for you gradually. Rather, I fell for all the little things. Like the way you laughed mid kiss sometimes, and looked at me like you can’t believe what is happening. Or the way you reached over in your sleep and pulled me closer, like you cannot have enough of me. Or simply the way you looked at me when we laughed; laughing with you was my favorite activity.  But what you did not know is that I could never break your heart, because it is the most beautiful thing about you.

Tonight, what I so badly wanted you to see is that I am the guy who will be there for you when you need reminding how amazing you are, because life has you convinced otherwise. The guy who cherishes any time spent with you, simply because it is a chance to be near you.

I guess no word I say is good enough now because I could see tonight how much you hate me. I should’ve known…I’m not important enough to warrant a simple, quick text in a day saying you’re missing me or how much you love me. Rather, I guess it is ok to call once in a day in 3-4 days and eventually hanging up without even sorting anything out because you completely believe I am a bad human being. I now know I’m not important enough to stick around and wonder where this is going, because the answer is clearly a resounding “nowhere.” It echoes off the walls built by the silence you have placed between us quite a while ago.

I’m done waiting for a response, convincing myself that somewhere, even in the far back of your mind is a thought of me that will ring through as if someone is really missing the most loved person of their lives. But, I know I am not missed. I am not loved. I am just hated. Utterly despised. Maybe I am a bad human being after all who deserves to be hated by the one he loves the most. You deserve to be happy & so do I. Waiting around for something to never happen only promotes the stagnation of life, progression—it halts the future and what it has in store.

I have believed, for most of my life that the most important kind of love is the kind we most often neglect: self love. I gave that up too in my desperate search for love from you, and I lost the sight of who I am and what makes me happy. So instead of sitting around waiting for a text or a loving phone-call from you that will probably never ever come, I choose myself today.

I choose to wake up and remind myself that I am strong, and worthy of being loved the way I wanted to love you. Someday, I will get that kind of love from another person, someone who’d allow me to love them. Someone who would really accept me. And love me from their heart & soul.

All I can say is, I love you but I love myself enough to just walk away from the disrespect, the distrust and the hatred & bitterness that you have towards me.

Yes, I guess I am the worst human being you have ever known in your life. If that gives you peace & happiness, then, please be happy. God bless. 🙂


Shop Now

The Final Goodbye – letting it all go…

Just wanted to tell you, if there’s anyone whom I’ve truly, and madly loved, that’s you.

As much as I’m absolutely breaking inside saying this, and crying non-stop but I wanted to let you know that  I’m stopping all sort of communication with you starting tonight. It might seem v selfish to you and maybe it is, but this just keeps hurting extremely bad somewhere deep inside my heart. I cannot sleep, cannot eat and certainly cannot really talk to anyone without these eyes getting moist all the time.

I’m just letting it all go. Finally. I think I should be the one who should back-away and vanish from your story. Maybe I should’ve known that I will never really get the happiness of having a family; I’ve no idea what was I even thinking!? Gosh. This is just so painful.

It hurts, terribly. Yes. But, I need to stop all this before it kills me. I cannot keep going like this, inspite of knowing that there is absolutely no future for “us” simply because you’re scared to take a concrete step. I am not blaming anyone in this, it is ofcourse a conscious choice that you’ve made and I wish you all the very best for it. You shall never ever hear another word from me.

I know I want you & I need you terribly, but you have your life and I think all I am being is an hindrance, and this even a blind man can see. This shall be my last letter to you.

I need to go, just vanish, forever from your life. You’ll never hear from me. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I cannot concentrate on anything that I do. Nothing seems to be doing any good at all, I’ve become like a dead soul. And I don’t want to confuse things any-more than they already are.

I do not want my mind to imagine now that there will not be any “you and I” anymore because it just hurts me bad and I can feel a certain pain tonight as I say all this to you, because I imagined you different, because I thought you and I will be different. Worse, I feel helpless, unprotected & just plain forgotten tonight.

You know, we all have memories; some that we would love to keep alive forever and some that we would rather forget.  As I type these lines tonight with these tears that just do not seem to stop, I want you to know that the memories that I made with you will always be looked at with fondness. As I was thinking about all the past memories that we have made, so much comes to my mind and it brings me sorrow and pleasure all at the same time.

There have been so many positive memories that you’ve given me, that I shall always smile when I’ll remember you. Even with that there are still tears when I miss you and I smile within myself when something reminds me of you. I still find myself longing to feel you and I always reach for you but I know I will never feel that in this lifetime. And that just breaks my heart. Again & again. And again.

Please do not think or feel that I’m blaming you in anyway, it is not at all your fault, you live your life. If there’s one thing that I wish you’d pray for me, if you can; that would be love. Please pray somebody, someday loves me so much that I forget how much a heart-break hurts. I cannot write anymore, I’m in a v bad condition. I loved you with all my heart & soul and I shall always do, but this is where it all ends for me.

Please do not think I’m being tragic or melodramatic. There is a need to turn the page to continue, no matter if the ending is happy or sad…

Thank you, for all you were to me, thank you for giving me the strength to continue along this path that has become my life’s lonely journey it seems. Thank you for being my strength.

But most of all thank you for loving me with an honest and pure heart…. 🙂

Goodbye. Forever yours…

Goodbye My Angel…

Mother...

My mom passed away all of a sudden, right in my arms on January 03, 2013. She died of a sudden cardiac arrest, and it was so sudden that it was all over even before any of us could realize what was actually happening. Since the day she has passed away, I have been feeling quite lost, I cry quite a lot and at unexpected moments, and I feel very different without her.

There are times when I am ‘normal’, but at times its just too overwhelming grief and sadness that I won’t be able to see her, hear her, talk to her ever again. I pray to God that she be happy wherever she is. It’s almost been a month now that she passed away; I still look at her picture(s) and there are times I wish I could’ve done something to save her, that she would’ve given us atleast some-time to do something for her, which could’ve saved her life. I wish I could repay her for all the continuous love she had for me all her life.

Mummy, I love you, and I surely hope (and somewhere deep down inside I know) that you are looking down on me, and you are watching over me all the time. I miss you so much, and I truly wish you were around. I shall try to move on, but it will be extremely hard, the zest is not there anymore as I always think about you. I feel like a part of me has been ripped out of me, and no matter what I do, there will always be this gaping hole. I also know she is much better off where she is now. No pain, heart-ache or sorrow. I do think of a lot of things I would have liked to discuss with her, questions still unanswered and things I wish I had said. She had sacrificed her whole life for us but my heart aches to think that being her son, I have not being able to help her the day she died and I can never forgive myself. Sometimes I can be in a place just sitting there i’ll think of my mom. And I can feel a rock climbing from my stomach and embedding its sharp edges into my throat to the point where I feel I cannot breath, I become so wrapped up in the extreme pain & sense of losing my mom that everyone else around me seem to disappear.

Mummy, where are you? Why did you leave me?  I Love You. You will always be in my heart. I shall forever miss you…

%d bloggers like this: